STORY STARTER
Submitted by Eclipse
When the fairy’s love spell fades, a family has to deal with the consequences of it.
STORY STARTER
Submitted by Eclipse
When the fairy’s love spell fades, a family has to deal with the consequences of it.
This was a really great story. You had a really strong plot and it kept me engaged all throughout. I do have some pieces of advice I’d like to share to help you.
In the paragraph that begin with “Sebastian, honey?” I cringed internally. “Hm?” He simply hummed….
When you have two characters conversing with each other, it helps the reader if you separate each new line of dialogue.
So using that same paragraph, I believe it would help to have it set up like this:
“Sebastian, honey?” I cringed internally.
“Hm?” He simply hummed.
“I’m gonna check on Carla.” I said, patting his arm.
“Why? She’s fine sleeping in the bed, isn’t she?” He inquired.
“Yes…but I just want to make sure she’s okay.” I replied.
Something else I noticed is that when you have longer sentences that require multiple commas, it’s helpful to simply break up the sentences with periods instead. It allows for the reader to digest the information more clearly.
An example of this that I saw in your story was this line: After packing I felt something, something telling me to look into his bedside table drawer.
I would replace that comma with a period.
After packing I felt something. Something telling me to look into his bedside table drawer.
That period allows for each sentence to stand on its own. (While also adding to the drama, because this is such a pivotal moment in your story.)
The last piece of advice I’d like to offer you is about word choice. Specifically the second to last sentence of your story.
After all of the trauma Erica has just endured, the word “tired” feels flat to me. (However that’s just my personal opinion).
I think using the word “terrified” or “petrified” would add more value to your story. You really want to encompass what your character is feeling.
With all of that being said, you are a very good writer. You understand how to write scenes that keep the story moving, while also providing details that paint a vivid picture for the reader.
I hope that the advice I offered will be helpful in your future stories. Keep up the great work!