It is more cruel, I think, to have allowed us this taste rather than allowing us the bliss of ignorance. I can never know now, the excitement I might have felt at the prospect of stability. Of having my future rolled out like a carpet in front of me, primed and waiting for me to take the first step. That version of me might have been hungry for the success I could have, might have had the drive required for productivity, and for excellence, by societies standards.

But..that is not me. Not now, after dipping my toes into the refreshing water of my dreams. It is not as if there aren’t positives awaiting me, once I make the transition. It’s just..it will never be enough.

How can I unsee these vivid colors? Everything else will always be dull by comparison. To have seen these what ifs first hand.

I might have been able to enjoy the life awaiting me once..but they gave that damn taste.

And now, I think I might be willing to give up anything to stay here instead.