Dear Wile E. Coyote:

If watching cartoons has taught me anything, it is that you will never catch the Roadrunner.

I think it is funny the lengths that you go through to catch that very fast bird. The TNT. The Acme contraptions. The anvils. The anvils are the best. What are you thinking using an anvil and rubber band trying to shoot Roadrunner. Don’t you know that the earth will get pulled away and you will be left dangling in midair above a ravine holding that anvil? What’s more, don’t you realize that you’ll create a you-shaped hole in the ground and the anvil will smack you on the head just as you are climbing out? I mean, what are you thinking? That real-world physics has anything to do with your cartoon world? C’mon.

I must admit that I feel sorry for you. After all, you are the classic fall guy. You take all the hits and none of the glory. And I suppose that is another lesson that I have learned from cartoons, especially from you. You always lose. You get crushed, mangled, and humiliated at every turn. I think it especially unfair that you even get your head smashed through solid rock when you are beneath an overhang and Roadrunner goes, “Meep! Meep!” It is funny, but oh so humiliating for you. Which is why I feel sorry for you.

But despite all your hardships, or maybe because of them, I have learned that perseverence is a virtue. Even among antagonists. You will never catch your nemesis. But you never give up. You continue to think that you will get that scrawny bird for your meal. Even though you have expended so much time and energy and money getting him that you could have had a glorious meal at a five-star restaurant instead. So keep trying. Your perseverance is an inspiration to us all.

Thank you for the life lessons you have taught us in letting us watch your exploits. I do feel sorry for you (especially because you think cartoon physics is similar to real-world physics), but I appreciate your perseverance.

I know you never will, but I wish you the best of luck catching that doggone Roadrunner.

Sincerely,

A faithful cartoon watcher.

P.S. “Meep! Meep!”

P.P.S. This letter is a product of Acme Gag Letters, LLC.