You hear arguing from two muffled voices. They’re going back and forth. Then a door slams. Is someone upset? You’re in too much pain to care, but a clear voice is finally heard as they run up to you. “Dude are you okay?! You’re shaking like crazy!” What? You’re shaking? You can’t remember why. Why is it cold? It’s a blur. It takes a while for you to focus on their face.

“Hey, what happened?” Mick said.

‘Mick? What is he talking about?’

“I-I don’t know…” Your voice strains. “It’s all kinda gone black.” Were you yelling?

“I’m so sorry, I never should’ve forced you to come.” Mick reaches for your wrist. “I can’t believe that son of a bit-”

“Don’t touch me!” Recoiling your hand when his makes contact. Memories from earlier rush back into your head.

—————

The party is full of colored lights and people drinking and dancing. Lights are circling around, providing the only source of light in the house. People are laughing, screaming, and dancing loudly. Almost too loud. Your nose wrinkles at the smell of the alcohol. Something you despise. Your hands are clammy and you're sweating uncontrollably. You try locating all the possible exits. But you can’t leave. You promised Mick you’d come, and you never break a promise. As you walk further in, people are constantly bumping into you. You wish you could be as carefree as those around you. You can’t. Starting to breathe heavily, you observe the surrounding area. The house has a modern interior. The walls are a dark blue, the lights are currently yellow and red. You seem to take notice of every little detail of the house. From the tiny chip in the crown molding above the kitchen doorway, to the slightly uneven floor in the mud room. You’ve learned to ground yourself. Something your therapist taught you. It works. A tap on your shoulder takes you away from the surroundings. You see Mick standing there with two drinks in his hands. “Hey! I didn’t think you would make it.”

“I never break a promise,” you say.

“I know dude, but regardless, I’m glad you came. You need some time away from everything. Here.” Mick hands you a drink. “Now go live a little!” He lightly hits your shoulder as he travels back into the crowd. You look at the drink he handed you. You look at all the carefree people in front of you. They’re happy. You can be too right?

‘Maybe I should live a little.’

You chug it all at once, grimacing. Alcohol. It’s something you never thought you’d find yourself drinking, but here you are drinking it. Your surroundings blur around you, they’re not really important anymore are they? After a while, you stumble, making your way to the alcohol. You can’t really focus on the labels so you just grab whatever. Who cares what it is right? It’s alcohol! How much have you had already? You don’t know. Your vision is hazy, going in and out of consciousness, you couldn’t care though. Why would you?

The base of the stereo is blaring, too loud for your ears but you couldn’t care less. The sound gives you an escape from the outside world. From all the fears of social stigmas and anxiety. Here you can finally breathe. Here you are safe. You are free.

You continue to drink.

Black.

You start dancing.

Black.

More drinking.

Black.

And more dancing.

Black.

Someone joins you. You can’t quite focus on their face. Too fuzzy. Doesn’t matter. Getting closer, they grab your hand.

Black.

You’re walking. Upstairs? Somewhere. Where are you going? That doesn’t matter.

Black.

The floor is really comfortable. It’s really soft and cushy. It’s a floor. Right? The hairs on your skin stand tall. It’s cold. It kind of reminds you of the feeling when a blanket gets ripped off of you. There’s a sudden warmth around your wrists. Something’s not right. You try to ground yourself with your surroundings… It’s not working. What’s happening? Focus. Something’s wrong! Why can’t you just focus!

Black.

The sound of yelling fills your ears.

Black.

Pain fills your thoughts.

Black.

You can’t breathe. It’s not safe. You feel trapped.

Black.