Lies

"I'm sorry ma'am, but you only have uh, five years left to live."

'Five years?" I gasped.

"I'm so sorry miss. May I suggest that you spend these last years living them to the fullest? I wouldn't want you to waste the last bit of your life."

"Thank you doctor. I'll try." I sniffed.

When I got to the car, I called my best friend and told her to grab her passport, we were going to Europe.

One year later, I am living my best life, sitting with my boyfriend, Jean Paul, under in our favorite cafe, drinking our favorite coffee in Paris. After two weeks of travelling through Europe, my best friend had to go back home, but I couldn't. I decided to stay in Paris, in the cutest little bed and breakfast, run by the sweetest old lady. I met Jean Paul six months into my stay, and I have been the happiest I have been for a very long time. Jean Paul and I have even been talking about getting married one day.

As I am finishing the last of my coffee, I get a call from an American number. I decided to pick up. It was the doctor that had given me the bad news last year.

"Hello, how are you Lisa?"

"Hi Dr. Procter. Why are you calling?"

"Well, I was calling to congratulate you."

"On what?"

"Well, remember our last appointment?"

"Of course, that was kinda what changed my life."

"Well, I wasn't exactly honest with you that day."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you only had about 4-6 months in reality."

"What?!"

"I told you that you had five years left, so you would use what time you had left to be happy. If I told you how long you actually had, you wouldn't have enjoyed it like you have been. And it has seemed to increase your lifespan as well. Thinking that you were supposed to die five years in the future created the placebo effect. The 6 months passed by without you giving it a single thought."

"Wow. I really don't know what to say. Thank you doctor. If I knew that I didn't have that much time, I probably would have moped and not done everything I have so far. I think that I am just going to keep thinking I have 4 years left. I have plans."

"Good for you Lisa, I'm proud of you, and what you have accomplished. I'll let you get back to your life now."

"Thank you." I hung up, flabbergasted. Jean Paul gave me an adorable smile, and my life fell back into place, exactly where I was supposed to be.

Comments 4

Dede

3 years ago

Hello!

You have a missing comma here: ‘but you only have(,)uh,…’

Perhaps capitalise ‘Miss’ so it is clear that the doctor (that is who I’m is speaking), and maybe a comma before, ‘I’m so sorry(,)Miss’.

The empathy in the Doctor at the start is clear, however since they are in a professional role could you match the tone of voice and mannerisms to match that professional role?

I’ll give you an example:

“I am sorry, Miss, may I suggest that you go and live life to the fullest? I wouldn’t want you to miss out on some of life’s experiences.”

This reflects the Doctor’s professional role, and also maintains that empathy you wish to portray. Also, consider how the Doctor broaches the subject of informing their patient of their premature death- it might come across as a bit cold if you don’t get the balance of empathy and professionalism.

Saying that, you have all the emotions there for the patient, the shock, the fear etc. Play it up a bit, show the reader what they are feeling through their body language. Do they freeze at the news? Do they scream and cry? Do they calmly accept it? Inject personal mannerisms and gesticulations that only that character has, to give them a personal level to the reader.

Don’t rush the timeline of events. Think to yourself, what would I do next if I were them? Especially since you are using first person, put yourself in their shoes and write, it’ll come across to the reader better too. If I had just been told I have five years to live I probably wouldn’t be calling my friend or booking a trip to Europe, I might be sat in the car too stunned to do anything, before driving numbly to no where in particular.

Give me more details about Paris! Use your five senses- that’s the key between telling and showing your reader a scene. Also, what happened to the protagonists thoughts and emotions?

Again, professionalism of the Doctor- they aren’t the protagonist’s friend and how can Lisa tell it’s her doctor just from those few words?

The Doctor might say, ‘Hello, this Doctor Procter, I am calling from (insert hospital name). Am I speaking to Lisa?’

Be careful not to make the Doctor so blasé about their misconduct and misdiagnosis! There needs to be some professional responsibility behind this, and might I suggest that Doctor Procter highly likely won’t be phoning their patient, especially if the hospital finds out why they have done! Cue new character to call Lisa.

Jean Paul sounds like a wonderful character so give him a bigger role.

My secondary school English teacher once told me, “If the character isn’t adding anything to the scene, replace them with an object.’ Harsh, but it seems to work!

Anywho, I do think this story has made a great start and the emotions came across! Keep up the good writing Jocelyn, I can’t wait to read more from you! 😊

🌻Jocelyn🌻

An aspiring author who is trying to publish a book someday. I would love critique on how I can make my work better!