Dark. Hollow. Where's the light? I don't think there ever was light. A wave of sadness, grief, emptiness, or whatever it is, passes through my body. I feel it in every bone, organ, through my nervous system to my brain. I'm drowning again.

I've signed up for dance classes; why did I do that again? Have I forgotten about my aching bones and lack of motivation? The sky is ugly blue, sun blinding my eyes, birds screaming in my ears.

My stomach growls but my appetite is absent. The air feels dense, each breath a struggle.

The colors fade and the world is gray. I open my drawer and take the Marlboro golds that have been laying in there for a week. I'm supposed to quit. Then again, what's the point?

I find myself in a familiar messy bedroom devoid of sunlight. Dirty dishes on my wooden table, unwashed clothes on the dusty floor, assignment deadlines in my overloaded computer.

Nothing's new. It's all worthless.

Monday, another pointless morning. I open the window, the sun caressing my face, soothing. Birds sing and green trees rustle as a warm, kind wind grazes my skin. Then I remember, of course it's worth it! My brown eyes sparkle in the beaming light, teeth shine as a wide smile on my face appears. I wash the dishes, do the laundry and start my assignments. I throw the cigarettes in the bin, wondering how I let it get so bad.

My legs twitch in excitement for my upcoming dance classes. As I walk in the street, I notice how beautiful the blue sky is, how graceful the shining red flowers stand in the distant field.

I haven't seen you this motivated, my friends laugh. A walking sun. Always smiling. I laugh too, overwhelmingly happy.

Monday morning, no different than the others. But something seems off. The overwhelming sensation is replaced by a void. I feel it coming back. The wave, this unforgiving shadow swallowing me whole again. The emptiness hit me as tears pour down my soft cheeks like the rain outside. I'm back in that place, where only darkness resides. I don't think there ever was light either.