The Birth of an Elf

Horror

Fantasy

Late in the night, a man in a red coat, with shiny black boots, red pants, and a red hat that all are lined with white sneaks out of a house. He has a big white beard but his skin is greying and wrinkled. The bag he has lugged over his shoulder squirms and wiggles with muffled sounds escaping. The man walks across the lawn, his boots crunching in the snow as fat snowflakes drift lazily to the ground. He reaches a bright red sleight that is lined with metal and gold. Reindeer are strapped up to his sleigh and paw at the ground with a huff. Santa throws the bag into the back then climbs in. The bag yelps and grunts, continuing to wiggle around on the floor of the sled. "Hiyah!" He flicks the reins. Immediately, the reindeer shoot off into the sky. There are about 5 other bags in the back of the sleigh, all squirming and making noise. The opening to the most recent bag loosens and Ethan pokes his head out. The icy cold air hits his face as tears fall down his cheeks. He is gagged and about ten years old. Clouds fall behind the sleigh but then everything becomes bright. Ethen squeezes his eyes shut, and when he opens them the Northern Lights light up the night sky. The air is significantly colder and Ethen shivers. The other bags whimper and tremble. Ethen curls up and tries to get more warmth out of the sack, even though it isn't all that thick. The sleigh slows down to a stop, the clip clop of the reindeer quickly fading before it becomes eerily silent. It is still freezing cold and Ethen is only in his pajamas, not even having slippers to cover his feet. Ethen hides in his bag, but one by one, the other bags get pulled out and dropped down out of the sleigh. When Santa grabs Ethen's bag, he notices it is open and Santa raises an eyebrow. "You certainly have been a naughty boy this year Ethen." Santa's voice is raspy, as if he smoked all his life. He pulls Ethen out of the bag by his pajama shirt and throws him onto the floor. Ethen's arms and legs are bound and he grunts, fresh tears falling. "Don't cry. Do you know how much you make your parents cry?" He raises a very bushy eyebrow and Ethen's eyes widen. Ethen shakes his head and sniffs, his breathing becoming very shaky. Santa sighs and gestures for someone to come over from the side. A team of five 10 year old children, all dressed as elves with artificial smiles, walk into the room and grab the bags. They pull the bag out of the room in the same direction they came in. "You've always been a trouble maker Ethen. You bully other kids, act like a brat with your parents, practically bullying them into taking care of you." Santa leans forward, his breath reeking of eggnog. He jabs one wrinkly long finger into Ethan's shoulder and grits his greying teeth. Ethan shakes his head again and scoots back, only for Santa to step on his chest and hold him down. "You aren't going anywhere Ethen. You're going to work here for me. You need to learn the value of hard work." Saliva flies off of Santa's lip as he speaks. He takes another swig of eggnog and grins. "Oh, don't worry. With a bit of Christmas magic, your parents are going to have a loving son for the next year. They won't miss you." Santa chuckles and Ethen starts screaming and crying against the gag. He squirms and writhes under Santa's boot which makes him frown. He grabs Ethen by his shirt once again and starts walking out of the room. Santa's boots make a loud thud sound with each step. "Time to make you an obedient elf." Ethen screams and cries through the gag as he gets pulled into a dark hallway. His cries fade, and then the thudding fades, leaving an empty eerie silence in the room.

Comments 1

Tom N

3 years ago

Nice one, Charley! I liked the way you interpreted this prompt and the way you painted Santa to be really mean.

I must admit, that first sentence through me a little. Be careful of your comma usage because it seemed to break up the sentence in a strange way that made it difficult to understand.

 You wrote: Late in the night, a man in a red coat, with shiny black boots, red pants, and a red hat that all are lined with white sneaks out of a house.

But perhaps it would have been to break it into a few sentences to avoid confusion:

Late in the night, a man sneaked out of a house. He wore a red coat, red pants and a red hat, all lined with white. On his feet were two shiny black boots.

I loved the line: “fat snowflakes drift lazily to the ground”. I can picture these huge snowflakes slowly making their way way to the ground.

There was a small typo, “sleight” instead of “sleigh”. You might consider replacing “paw” with a different verb since reindeers don’t have paws.

I like the way to built up some suspense by repeatedly mentioning the “squirming bag” without revealing too many details about it.

You put “The icy cold air hits his face as tears fall down his cheeks,” which sounds a little like his tears started falling as the cold air hit his cheeks. It’s likely he was already crying if he was stuffed into a bag so I would consider something like “His tear-soaked cheeks were painful as the bitterly cold air hits his face” or something like that.   Later on you continue describing how cold it is and emphasise how few clothes Ethen is wearing. This line could have been written so you showed the reader that he wasn’t wearing many clothes instead of telling them.   Instead of “It is still freezing cold and Ethen is only in his pajamas, not even having slippers to cover his feet.” You could try something like “Ethen’s feet were turning a shade of blue he’d never seen before. He longed for his dinosaur slippers he’d left at the side of his bed.”

That line “do you know how much you make your parents cry?” was powerful! I really like the way you describe Santa as being quite a brute: saliva flying off his lips, his breath reeking of eggnog.

Consider rewording this line: “He squirms and writhes under Santa's boot which makes him frown.” You used “He” referring to Ethen at the start, and “him” referring to Santa at the end. Make sure you’re clear about who you’re referring to if you’re going to use pronouns instead of names.

Overall, I really like what you did here! It reminds me a bit of the Saw films where the villain is actually out to teach people valuable lessons.

Charley Benz

Aspiring writer looking for anything and everything to write about. I like writing comedy the best but I am not afraid to dive into serious, taboo, or very harsh topics that people typically shy away from.