I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I’ve been doing that every morning since you passed. The bed is too big now and I feel swallowed by it every night. Pulled into the depths of the sheets and comforter melting into darkness.

I make the bed just the way you liked it, with all 7 pillows placed precisely at the head of the bed. At the opposite end I fold the extra blanket long ways and lay it gently in place. I keep them all there when I go to sleep but each morning those pillows and blanket are strewn across the floor; pushed aside, forgotten, and disheveled. And I, I am on your side of the bed. The wrong side. Wrong because I shouldn’t be the one lying there. You should. Wrong because we were supposed to have more time. We bought this bed together, we shopped, meticulously mind you, for the exact right one. One that you so cutely quoted “provided the support for our marriage”. One that had a 20-year guarantee. But you didn’t make it 20 years.

So I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I put those pillows and blanket back where they belonged and I had to continue with my day. Continue with every day. And come back every night to that same reminder.

I’ve kept your side of the room the same as well. Your half finished book still rests on the bedside table with your bookmark placed inside. Your hair tie and favorite bracelet remain next to a framed picture of us from a day out at the park. One of our best days. I can still hear your laughter in the photograph from me tackling you playfully to the ground. And there’s a note on the table as well from me, reminding you that I was going to be late coming home that day but to text me with what you’d like me to bring home for dinner. You had kissed that note leaving a perfect imprint of your lips. I thought it was funny at the time that you felt compelled to kiss it but what I hadn’t understood was how much you appreciated the things I did for you. And now I have that daily reminder when I see your lips on the paper. When I see you on the paper.

So I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and you were still gone and life kept moving on. But I’ll keep making that bed for you.