We all get into my friend Mariah’s car. She drives us to our hoco 2017. We all blast musicout so loud abd shove sour patches into our mouth. We approach the driveway and something catches my eye. I see a bunch of limousines. And a girl with curled hair and a large purple flowery dress. Thats when i realize how underdressed I am. I'm wearing only a plain black dress with nothing on it. I begged my mom fir a dress like that girl’s, but she said that we cant afford it. Money is extremely tight in our home because my mombis an author. We only have a 2- bedroom house while even Mariah has a 3+ bedroom house. Its embarrassing.? That is ehy I dream of getting into Harvard to get highly educated, but thst means i must face letting my dreams of creative writing go.

We bring our caf

ONE YEAR LATER

Its hoco 2018. I worked(okay and stole somevof moms money) and bought a good dress. I’m on the dance floor wearing a dress consisting of a millennium of flowers. My hair was done by the hair dresser. It has the perfect curls. Different color lights are shining everywhere and my favorite songs are blasting across the whole dance floor. Best of all, my friends are all around me and continue to stay by my side. _I’m having a blast. _I think. I dance harder and faster and before I know it I’m at the center of the crowd. I’m dancing hard until I see your sparkly blue eyes staring right at me. Your brown short hair and white skinshines in the bright light… I gaze at you in awe. _Who is this person? How have I never seen him before?! _

We keep staring at each other until you come up to me and ask “Do you wanna dance?” That’s when my world flipped over. A extremely gorgeous boy asked me to dance?! I’m so FLATTERED!!! This has never happened to me before. Maybe I can finally be cool!

I let my guard down.(Lewis Capaldi Someone you loved)

It was the Friday after a long week. It was time to have fun. I thought. I picked up my phone laying right next to me and called you to come over. “There is an open room. “ I said “Wanna.. yk?”

You said yes. The first day was awesome. Before I knew it, you were at my door every Friday waiting to go into that empty room. I was terrified of ruining my life with a pregnancy, so I asked “is this safe for us to be having sex weekly?” “Yes I did the research!” He said. “Promise?” “Yes” he said ”Ok I trust you handsome!” Then we kissed.

Mari (short for Mariah) saw all 16 of our sex posts and got flustered. She came up to me and said “ Rachel, you shouldn’t be hanging out with this guy! He was terrible to us before, Remember?“ “Yeah, but he’s nice to me now, so...“ I said.

Mari: So what? He's not nice to the rest of us! (our friend group)

Rachel: But he’s super hot and I finally get to be exposed to the cool league!

Rachel: You should be happy for me!

Mari walks away

And then you pulled the rug. (Lewis Capaldi Someone you loved.)

About 3 months into our weekly sex routine, I realized that it was my period week. _What that’s so odd… I haven’t started it yet! _I rechecked the dates, but nope I wasn’t miscounting the weeks! The next day I woke up with a horrible stomach ache. I groaned so loudly that mom came into check in on me. I suddenly burped and she was like GO to the bathroom!! She was pointing frantically, so I went grudgingly, but then couldn’t make it to the toilet in time. I threw up all over my pristine white bathroom floor. Is this cramps? No it can’t be! My cramps usually aren’t this terrible!

I threw up 4 more times that day. 4. Mom took me to a doctor to see what was going on. The doctor checked me and said that I had no diseases. When mom mentioned that I missed my period week, he was like “oh has she been having sex lately?!”

Oh crap. The answer is yes. And WAY too much.

It all hits me like rocks. God help me. I’m so ridiculously stupid.

I clasp my hands with my mouth. Mom face turns red. “It’s with that white boy who’s lurks around our house every Friday right?” “Mom saidI. KNEW he was up to no good. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you with a relationship.“

“Unfortunately, This calls for a pregnancy test.” “NO!“ he said our sex wouldn’t lead to pregnancy! Ever! He promised! He did research.”

“Well is he an experienced doctor? Does he even have have his _degree _yet?”

That stops me. “Case is closed we are taking a pregnancy test. _Ugh! At least I know it won’t come out positive. _

I get into the car with my mom to drive to the pregnancy test place. “Rachel I can’t freaking BELIEVE you!” Mom said “You had such an amazing and successful life. Your grades were all. As you were set to go to Harvard! And you risked throwing all of that away for some boy?!”

I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I keep repeating to myself ignoring mom’s lecture_ And I will prove that to you, mom. _

“Ok done!” Said the tester “you should receive a phone call with your results in a few days.

A FEW DAYS LATER… She dropped the phone and burst into tears The doctor just confirmed her fears (Martina McBride, I’m gonna love you through it.)

Ring! Ring! My mom runs to the kitchen. I follow her to listen in. “The results were positive“ the guy on the phone said loud and clear “I recommend you look at our website for options regarding abortion or adoption“ My mom slammed the phone and burst into tears. No this can’t be true. He PROMISED. Just like that my worst fear just came true.

I call you immediately after that. You pick up the phone and I tell you the news. You apologize 20 times. My mom calls your mom and screams at the top of her lungs at her. Just like that, our relationship is over.

My mom took away my phone, so I’m forced to use my laptop. I click on instagram. I need to see what’s going on with his life. Living without him is The. Absolute. Worst. I click on your instagram page and view your most recent post. It’s a picture of you in a handsome suit and the next picture is one of you having sex with me. _That was the night we had sex the longest. _I read the caption: Hey guy squad, big news! I just impregnated Rachel Cunningham😎 Only need one more person to reach my goal of 5! #socool #risktaker #hotguy #firesexer

I freeze. Time stops. I fall to the floor. You never loved me. You were just trying to use me. Which means Im not actually a pretty magazine cover star. I’m just as ugly as I thought I was before.

I did not go to school the following 3 months after. My parents were too scared to let me out in the world and I was too scared that I was going to run into you.

I was literally stuck at home. Eventually they got tired of me beibg at home and made me go back. _Finally, I get to be surrounded by chatter again and be somewhere besides on the plain mattress of my bed. _

I was wrong. Being at school was 10 times worse than being at home. When I walked the hallways to my first class, people made dirty faces at me and would move quickly away whenever I got close to them. I was excited for 3rd period though because Mariah was in my class. _She'll definetly be able to help me. _I walked into 3rd period and scan for my seat next to Mariah. I realize that someone else is sitting there. I stare at the person sitt

Mari walked to every single class with. The one who I shared all of my secrets with. The one who carried my books when I broke my arm. Remember her?

I left 7 voicemails rabting about my pain to her, but she never called me back. And without her, without my dreams. Without my normsl routine,_ I am nothing_.

After school, I walked into room A256. A classroom meant for people to go in when they are having a hard day. _Barely anyone comes in here I thought. And I need some peace right now. _But when I walked in I see two kids both of them with knives in their hands. What are you guys doing with those knives? I ask. Intense fear shows on both of their faces when they hear my question. “Please. You can’t tell. I’ve had the worst two years and NO ONE in this universe gets it. One of them said and the other one nods. Empathetic feelings fill my heart. I TOTALLY feel this kid. I too am going through something no one can understand or will even try to understand. “ That is the exact reason why I came in here today. “ I said. “I won’t tell I promise.” He starts off again “If I cut this knife through my arm, I will go into complete darkness and peace” I will no longer have to face the terrible monsters and obstacles in this world. “ _That is exactly what I’ve been wanting and he just helped me figure out how to get it. Now I must help him. _

And I did. With my help, the cut was deeper then he thought it would be. He successfully died _Perfect _I thought. _This should be my career choice when I am older. It helps kids escape from their problems and have peace once again. _Right there and then, I realized that I had a bigger dream in mind: to escape my own problems.

I opened up my Google app on my phone and looked up ways to kill yourself and the most appealing way to me was jumping off a cliff.

FLASHBACK

“Mommy look at people are jumping off that cliff!” 5-year old Rachel exclaims. “Yes! Isn’t that amazing honey?!” Past-mom “Mommy” replies. We were at South-point Hawaii getting ready to see “Daddy” jump off the cliff. We wait for two more minutes and suddenly see daddy at the front of the line. “Daddy!” “Daddy!” Little me exclaim. He goes into a straight position and aims his body right at the landing spot. Then he squats down and summersaults his way down. SPLASH!! Little me gasps in awe and exclaims “I want to do that!””Absolutely not now.” Mommy replies “When you are older”

_If I kill myself by jumping off of a cliff _I thought _Then I would have accomplished two of my dreams. The second one is to be brave like my father and jump off of a cliff. _

Blood red thoughts linger in my mind as the wind blows my hair. I am standing at the very edge of the Skyline Mountain cliff. The very edge. For the first time. I am not afraid. I am eager. I am desperate to put a stop to this rollercoaster. To feel nothing at and to see complete darkness. I repeat complete.

I stare down at the water. It is barely 3 feet deep. There was also a huge bumpy rock straight down from wheereI was standing. Perfect I thought. I look to my left and to my right. No one in sight! Perfect Now I’mall set to reclaim my happiness.

I point my head down squat doen really low and...