Just any normal day of high school right? Wrong! It just so happens that I’m in the 3rd floor bathroom, having my second anxiety attack today, and it’s only fourth period. I need to get over it, but it’s hard knowing that the person you cared for the most killed them selves the day before their birthday. Who would think this was all my fault too.

My best friend Alice was the most well rounded person I’ve ever met. Straight A’s since 8th grade. She was very athletic, had the voice of an angel, and cared for anyone. Even if a person has treated her like shit, she would still go out of her way to make them feel better if they weren’t at least happy. Alice was also very pretty, but wasn’t interested in dating anyone no matter how many people asked her out.

I never deserved her. I still don’t to this day, even if she is dead. I’ll never be able to live up to her, and her death was all my fault. I was balling when I found her suicide letter on her bed. She never made her bed, and her room was always messy. So when I walked into her room finding it spotless, and I could walk on the floor with out stepping on anything. I knew something was up.

I grabbed the letter off of her bed, and read it at least twelve times before it finally sank in… I was too late.

I should have seen the signs. I was her best friend, and I let her down. I should have been able to stop all of this from happening. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. She had a whole life a head of her, and I took it all away from her because I couldn’t help her!

It should have been me. I should have been the one to go. She was all I had left, and I blew my last chance of having someone around who actually cared about me. So many people cared about Alice, or at least said they did. No body notices me. No body loves me. At least not anymore. The only people besides Alice to ever care about me were my parents. They died in a car crash when I was only twelve though. My father died on impact, and my mother suffered in the hospital for a year. For a year she was just lying there on oxygen, and I was praying for the day see would wake up, and give me one of her famous bear hugs. But she never did, and she never got the chance to say goodbye either. And the day I heard her heart monitor run a flat line, I knew it was all over.

I’ve lived with my grandparents since, and they’ve treated me like shit since the day my mother died. It’s been five years, and nothing has changed. Not a single thing. Alice was the last good thing that I had left, and I couldn’t save her. I ruined my chance. Just like everything else.

Fourth period turned to fifth, and then it was soon the end of the day. This was my routine for the last week. Since the day she left me all alone. I’d ask to leave my fourth period science class to use the bathroom, and cry all of my emotions I had bottled up over the past day, and let them all out until it was time to go home, but home is not what it used to be though.

When I was younger, home used to be a safe and secure place. Now all I want to do is stay as far away from my “home” as possible.

For the past couple of days I thought of joining my parents and Alice, and what would happen if I were to see them again if I were to kill myself as well. I wouldn’t do that. I was always a believer in how everything happens for a reason. I believe there was a reason why I only came out of that car crash with a few broke bones and cracked ribs. Plus I don’t think mom and dad would be very proud of me if I didn’t try for them.

So here I am trying my best to fight through all the grief and suffering of my best friend’s death, and hoping that this will all be worth something in the end.