The podium was warm from the stage lights. Touching it was soothing and helped calm the flutter of nerves I always get before I big speech. I moved my hands up and down the edge of the podium, feeling the wood grains wind up and down my palms.

I took a deep breath and searched the audience, one of the final steps of me pre-speech ritual. I have found that if I make eye contact with some of the audience, it gives me confidence. I am not exactly sure why, but I think people shy away from eye contact especially in large crowds, so it might be knowing how bold this gesture comes across to others that helps bolster my own confidence.

I lock eyes with a man wearing a brown British flat cap, then an elderly woman more towards the middle of the theater that’s wearing yellow glasses with jewel speckled wings, and then move onto a young teenage boy sitting with perfect posture and a look of confusion on his face.

I end my routine looking for someone on the far side from where I started. I find a woman relatively close to the front and my stomach drops. The confidence I was slowly storing to unleash during my speech drains out of me like an uncorked upturned bottle of wine.

It’s Susan, my ex.

My palms start to sweat and slip down the warm podium sides, leaving the grainy wood roads damp and glistening in the light.

How do I compose myself when the woman that broke my heart is sitting right there? Did she come here just to humiliate me even more, use her presence to fluster me?

I take another moment to stare down at the podium, wondering if the my pre-speech silence has transitioned from confident stage management to panicked unprofessionalism in the eyes of the audience. Then a crazy idea comes to mind.

If making eye contact with strangers in the audience reflects confidence back onto myself, then think of the confidence I would need to have and gain to make unflinching eye contact with Susan. I had to try. It was either that or fumble through my speech and be humiliated.

I raise my head from the podium, find Susan, and lock eyes with her. I hold my expression completely neutral and do my best not to let my gaze wonder around her head to cover familiar territory which would let my mind reminisce. I keep my eyes locked with her green eyes and after a few moments, she looks away.

The moment her eyes retreat from mine my confidence surges. I give a soft smile and begin to speak.