“Do you want to be married anymore?” She asks.

“I don’t.” He declares.

The words fell to the floor with large thuds matching the rhythm of her increasing heart rate. His confession went up against an invisible shock field, a wall, that surrounded her completely, and had for a while now. What broke through and reached her heart was the truth on his face, how he looked at her said enough, he was, in fact, done.

Something along the lines of acceptance came out of her mouth. She couldn’t make him stay if he didn’t want to be here, no matter how many years it’s been since they met, an along the way married..

She started to pack her bags. She placed some clothes in her backpack, along with her phone charger. She went to the closet and reached back into a mason jar to grab the little bit of savings they had. He didn’t object when she placed it in her wallet.

“You don’t have to leave.” He said.

These words felt like a trap. She could stay, but she had already stayed her welcome in his heart. Staying literally meant acting like the person who meant everything to her in the entire world hadn’t just decided he wanted anything but a life with her. No. She would be going. She thought to herself.

He helped her drop off her belongings to the hotel. That’s who he was, a nice guy.

She wondered if she had done something wrong enough to make him not want her. Had she let herself go? Weight? That’s all she could think of because in every other area she strived and strived to be pleasing.

No. It wasn’t her size, it was his heart. How could one imagine a life with someone they don’t love. If you love someone you spend time with then, you do things like cook, go to the gym, go for walks, go out, etc. He never did, no matter how much she begged.

Our life was comfortable. Easy. Mundane.

The more she healed the more she recognized the insults, his unbelief in her to reach her accomplishments, his insults, the resistance to his own healing, the complacency he was in.

She wanted to go higher. To be whole. To walk in Gods promises over her life. To walk freedom life, joy, and peace.

She never did return to him after that day. She moved to her own place after a while. She got a new job. Makes great grades at school. She walks. She cooks. She skates. She’s healing. She spends time with God.

But there’s this feelings that came that day.. the pain. The ache. The truth of his desire.

It brings her to tears. It aches her all over.

Sometimes she doesn’t even know why the sadness stays despite her attempts to fight it off, She remembers his long eye lashes, the twitch before he’s fall asleep, the laughter, the kiss that she’d barely get…

The grief hasn’t left. Though she wishes it would. Though she wishes she could grasp the truth that he was less than what she deserved. That she was loving on a one way street of grief and despair and a highly likelihood of him to cheat.

She looks back on how far she’s come. How many of her goals that she set have been reached. Yet deep down she feels that a part of herself has died. The feelings, they linger.

He’s moved on. He’s living life without her like he wanted. She’s got the life she wanted started and working at it everyday. You would think they both her were set.

She feels the only two happy of this are the lord and her ex. She just wanted her ex to grow. She wanted him to love her. She wanted him to want her.

Though,

She’s learning to want herself. To love herself. To rest in the love of God.

If you asked her if she wants to go back, if she wants to settle at that place in life, to never grow, to never heal, to be a slave to love not returned, she would look at you daringly, and say,

“I dont.”