⚠️DISCLAIMER⚠️: the song Daylight by David Kushner sets the mood for this story. If you want, you can listen to it when reading!

I guess I thought graduating from one of the top schools would make me feel complete again. I was wrong.

For the past months of university, my friends were going to parties and actually enjoying themselves. I don’t know if I could even call them friends. I knew them, but not well. My roommate, Jordie, dropped out just before graduation. No one knows where he went. I remember high school like it was just yesterday. I cried myself to sleep every night at just the thought of mom-

I don’t tell just anybody about her. Only people I trust. I used to trust dad, but he’s gone off the deep end.

Why get into my recent depression when we can talk about my childhood? I only have one strong memory; the rope swing. Every summer, the entire family, including relatives, would come up to our lakeside house. We would float down the river all day on floats bigger than the car. We would slip on the mid, laughing and catching each other. Each day getting 3d degree sunburns. I remember looking up to my older cousins and thinking that life couldn’t get better.

I was right. It could only get worse. When I was 13, my mom was diagnosed with cancer in her kidney. It didn’t take long for the doctors to tell us a death date. She would only live a few more months. If I had any hope left, it was crushed. I ran out of the hospital. All the way home and buried my face into my moms pillow.

Dad didn’t come home that. He didn’t come home the next the night either. Or the next. He stayed at the hospital for weeks with no sleep. I didn’t know how I would live without mom. I still don’t. People tell me to move on, but I don’t know how. They give me sad smiles. Pity. They don’t know the pain. I do.

After moms death, I got into skateboarding. I started sleeping more and my grades slipped. My friend group left me. Everyone looked at me like I was an animal in an enclosure. I wore black instead of bright colors.

This summer, I plan on returning to our lake house. This time without the rest of the family. It would be healing experience. That’s what I hoped.

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I waded through the water. It was getting deeper by the step. I didn’t remember it being so deep. When it got up to my shoulders, I started to swim. Finally, I reached the steep bank. I climbed the muddy bank, nearly slipping. I caught myself because my mom wasn’t there to catch me. The rope was still there, but the wood part you sit on was gone. After a few minutes of searching, I found it. I reattached it to the rope. I took a deep breath. I looked behind me to see if my mom really wasn’t there. I gripped the rope and pulled it back as far as it could. I looked down at the water below. I held on and pushed out. My legs instinctively wrapped around the swing. I felt the wind on my cheeks. When I reached the highest point, I let go and plunged into the water below. It was cold with dead memories. In the water, I saw everyone. My aunts and uncles, my cousins and even my dad. In front of everyone was my mom. She was smiling. I swam up to the surface for air, but everyone was still there. Everyone except my mom. They wrapped me with a warm towel and let me onto a big floaty. We all floated down the river. We were all smiling.