You ever wake up with the craving for a certain food? Well, this morning all I’ve been thinking about is spaghetti. I know I dont have all the ingredients but I check the kitchen pantry anyways. Yeah, looks like I need to go to the grocery store. It’s a weekend so I have time to clean up my place, walk my dogs and maybe do a little gardening. My husband is already up and tinkering around in his garage. “Good morning Love” I say as I head out with the dogs. “Good morning, you walking the dogs? Ill tag along”. We head over to our favorite park, which is walking distance from our home. This is one of my favorite things to do with my husband. We conversate a little but we really try to enjoy the sounds of nature. We’ve been married for over two decades now and I still feel like there are parts of my husband I dont know. He is usually a happy man but he has some past traumas that haunt him. We have had our share of issues related to this past trauma….primarily because of how he choose to cope with his trauma.

Alcohol has caused lot of pain in our family but recently it seems like my husband is trying other coping strategies. Lately, he is really into tinkering with cars and motorcycles. I love seeing him so concentrated on a project. I cant help but smile when he is covered in dirt and oil and trying to put the mechanical puzzle together.

On our walk, I tell him my dinner menu and he smiles. He tells me he is planning on going to friends house to watch the game. Sounds like I’ll be eating dinner alone tonight….no problem. I am still really excited about the spaghetti. After dinner, I put away a plate for my husband and head upstairs to read a bit before bed.

I must’ve fallen asleep because when I hear the front door open its 11:30 pm. I hear my husband rattling around in the living room so I go downstairs to check on him. I feel the panic rise in my gut when I see the state of him. He is sitting on the couch half asleep, fully dressed. I see the glossy red eyes and I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I stand there for a moment and he doesnt notice me until I say “Did you have a good time”. He slowly turns his head towards me and says “ yeeesss”. He is trying to nod his head and keep his composure at the same time but he is so inebriated that he can barely control his movements.

I am trying to hold back my tears as I watch my husband, the love of my life destroy himself. I am thinking back to all of the wonderful moments we have had in our life. The birth of our children, buying our first home, the death of our parents-we made it through. I think about the time when he said he was done with the drinking and decided to get help. He was doing so well I thought. He was trying to better himself. He wanted to be a better father, husband, man. One year ago, he and I had a conversation about his drinking and the effects it was having on our family. I told him I couldnt watch him destroy his life anymore. Thats when he decided to get help. So why are we back here now? I dont understand. I ask him if he has been drinking and he just looks at me. He doesnt answer. There must be some sober cells left because he looks at me knowing what this means for us. I look back at him, give a sigh and head upstairs. In the morning we will need to talk about our new lives….apart.