“Take your grimy hands off me you mutt-“

Crashing glass accompanied by the heavy thunk of a table echoes out across the restaurant and sends the place in a frenzied panic.

I don’t flinch, partially due to being mid-bite with a mouthful of the best pasta you’ve ever had in your life, and partially because it’s not my business until it becomes my business.

That motto keeps me safe in my line of work.

You see, I’m pretty sure the thugs roughing up the bloke across the establishment are looking for me, but the agency I work for deliberately skewered their intel. I’m just here to observe our target.

And our target is not having a good day.

The brawl turns into a violent scramble as they begin throwing furniture around, completely ignoring the timid requests of the politelt spoken staff to please calm down. Customers begin bee-lining for the exits as police begin pouring onto the scene, demanding that everyone in the brawl to put their hands up.

“Excuse me sir?”

One of the waiters is standing at my table, which is a safe distance from the mayhem. I give a nod of acknowledgement to the waiter while maintaining my gaze on the arrest taking place.

“We recommend everyone should leave the premises-“

“Oh no need to worry. I’m perfectly safe right here.”

The waiter looks stricken with confusion, as if I just told them a meteor was going to hit their loved ones this evening. “Oh-you-you’re not going to leave?”

I shake my head quietly.

“Then-then perhaps we can give you a refund? Or maybe a second portion on the house?”

A second portion of this delicious mind bending pasta? On the house no less. What a fantastic offer for a Friday night. How could a man say no to that?

Well, as tragic as it is to see a poor innocent fellow roughed up by thugs and arrested, I got two servings of incredible authentic italian carbs today.

The innocent bloke will be fine, by the way. Hes about to be reimbursed over $100k in "damages" along with an NDA, and we just figured out which upper echelon criminal the poor guy accidentally tangled with.

I flip out my phone to share this special moment with a friend.

"Hey boss?"

"Jimmy. You better not still be at the italian place-"

"I've got some great news for you."

"I hope to God this isn't about dinner."