as i write this, i think about you in ways i would cry for days about. til my eyes bone dry.

we met, years ago, “ met “ if you will. ( we knew of each others existence, but never really talked. ) . now you’ve become my one and only, the person i feel my heart pitter patter and pound around, the person i have truly found love with. it’s been 54 days since our break up, i’m not trying to count but i am at the same time, sorry— .

you mean a lot to me, it’s insane, i never imagined to find anyone to be this important. it’s crazy. sometimes i’ll tell Brielle “ i think i’m going mad. “ whenever i’m talking about you from how giggly i get about you, or how badly i blush or how big i grin.

that’d all be gone if you weren’t around. if you’d been gone. if all those attempts you made only succeeded with one. or if you hadn’t been around at all.

it’s crazy to ever attempt to believe of a world without you. you’ve become, my world. everything i ever imagined. is that too crazy to say? i’m sorry. but it’s true. if you weren’t here, if you were gone— i wouldn’t have found the love i’ve found in you and found out what real love is like. you’re what those lovely movies, poetic stories, innocent episodes— are all about. you’re amazing, Milo. whether you believe it or not.

there’s things i’ve had to say to you but haven’t ( and might not ever.) gotten the chance to. but either way, it’s all good things in case you’d like to know.

it’s impossible to ever think of what it’d be like without you.

dull, miserable, quiet, lonely— i don’t like thinking of what it’d be like. ( writing prompts like these/this prompt makes that pretty hard though.) .

you’ve got me hooked on you, and your existence is the one thing shining light into my life. you really matter to me.

Every song i hear would be dull, Every word i write would be scribbled, Every story i read would be pointless, Every cloud i see would be dark and gloomy, Every poetic paper i’d witness would be sorrow and pitiful. that’s how life would be without you. that’s not a life i want to live, a life without you isn’t a life; it’s a nightmare.

life without you, it’d be painful.

can i say more without crying? no, i don’t think i quite can. i don’t think i can quite capture the words i mean to say within a sentence either. it’s insane.

the day i found out you were in the psych ward, the day Adi turned to me and said “ Izzy says hi, “ burned my heart in ways even fifth degree burns wouldn’t describe. it was a pound to the heart, a pain to my ears, but a smile greeted my lips in some form of way as i realized you wanted me to know you said hello even if you were far away. i didn’t smile outside though, i looked in terror.

that was a taste of life without you.. and god was it bitter… it was worse than cyanide on my tongue, bleach on my teeth, detergent in my mouth, chemicals beneath my tongue. it was worse, than that.

than being a six year old little girl who’s scraped her knees on the concrete outside, than being a seven year old boy getting their favorite action figure run over, than being an eight year old kid watching the goodbye mutter from their own mouth as they witness the dog you’ve grown up

with die before you. it hurt, worse than that.

this may be gloomy, may be sad, may be hurtful and may be that cynical sympathetic poetry you listen to on those cold lonely nights you’re crying in your bedroom, but it’s all true. push it out of your mind, deny and reject it but it’s all.. true. life without you would be distasteful. and i can’t imagine it that way.

i know shit’s changed, life changes and grows and develops and sucks and gives you your highs your lows your ups your downs your breaths your pains.. i don’t think life could ever knock the wind out of me like the thought of you not being around could.

i know, words don’t mean anything, or at least much. i know, life is meant to go on no matter if it doesn’t go the way put to plan. i know, and i know. but i also know, that whatever it is, whatever it takes, and whatever i may need to do— i will fight for you. i will stay. and i will always, always be here to love you. no matter, the words that come out of anyone’s mouths. i will always, be here to love you. when you can’t love yourself. when you’re right at rain. when you’re smiling your face off. when you’re crying your heart out. when you’re giggling or laughing. when you’re upset or disappointed. when you’re, you. i’ll love no one but you. forever. and always.

i hope you know that. whether my eyes speak it when i mean for them to or not. whether my words tell it true well enough. whether my actions make sense enough to say it for me. i hope, that you know that. i really do. and if you don’t i’ll write it again, or i could sing it, or say it, or scream it. i’d paint it onto buildings. i’d write it onto desks. i’d shine it from lamps. i’d write it into stories, into novels, books. i’d read it through poetry. i’d hold it up high on a sign.

i hope, that you know it. and i’ll be here to remind you if you don’t. cause, all of this to say— these one thousand words— all these letters to say— i love you. okay?. i. love. you.