“Ok so you will take this for 15 miles and take exit 46 on to Henderson road” says Mallorie from the passenger seat.

“Right! That would lead me straight to Tuscany avenue and up the hill of 11563 Alfi drive towards the villa.” I mimic with the same cheerful tone.

Mallorie swats at my arm and adds “ok I’ll stop with the backseat driver directions. You obviously looked over the maps.”

We are headed to a friend’s going away party tonight in villa outside of the city. The host is Mallorie’s ex boyfriend who rented an Air BnB villa for the occasion. Not my usual thing, but Mallorie really wants to say goodbye to Amy the ex boyfriend’s sister. Amy is leaving for a job in London and this will more than likely be the last time we see her. I’ve met Amy a handful of times. Over double dates and coffee meetups and birthdays of mutual friends. I like Amy. I don’t like Amy being related to Adam who is the ex to Mallorie. Mallorie and Adam were high school sweethearts. They both went to different colleges and basically grew apart. To me, there is a lot of unresolved tension and loose ends. Neither of them really broke it off. They just simply took time apart and that time grew more and more. They kept in touch and always exchanged pleasantries during the holiday seasons. I’ve expired my chances of question about the ex and I guess I’m just left feeling insecure about it. I believe Mallorie notices moments throughout our relationship, but she never really digs deep into it.

Mallorie and I have been dating for two years. We are right at the bubble of should we get engaged or should we wait one more year. The tension lately has been bumpy every time someone mentions rings or engagements. I’ve brought my questions and I’m returned with a nonchalant answer or swat on the arm saying how romantic I am.

“Remind me again Mal, why we left two hours early for a party that’s only 40 mins away?” I ask sarcastically. I fully know the answer. Mallorie has a tendency to attracting bad luck. She thinks that on the way we will get a flat or get lost. That the cosmos will send lightening and thunder on this sun shiny day to make her late, which it might actually happen. From time to time the sporadic bad luck hits us. I tease her a lot about this complex. Honestly I don’t mind it. She’s very kind and punctual to all of her friends and this is a way she copes with the anxiety of possibly letting them down. To my knowledge she never has.

Mallorie is looking at me sardonically and crosses her arms.

“Ok, ok I will drop it……for now!” I give her a wink and focus back on the road.

“I know you think it’s silly, but ever since eighth grade my routine has served me well!” She justifies with a confident nod.

I heave a heavy sigh and begin, “Do I have to talk to him?” I ask begrudgingly.

“I mean the guy just seems to pick me apart. From my job to my style of clothes. Like last time Adam asked what my favorite band was and I said at the moment… and he cuts me off all superior and adds “at the moment, Beck come on, don’t be that guy!” I mean what guy was he implying I was being?” I look over at Mal pleading and giving my best pouting face.

Mal begins, “Beck please! Just be the bigger person. It never comes across that way to me when he talks to you. Adam is just wants to get to know things about you. We barely see him and he hears everything from Amy, so I am sure he just curious about who you are.”

I look ahead at the oncoming traffic. It looks like a small wreck is slowing the highway down.

“You see! You see! This is why I leave early!” Mallorie says triumphantly.

I look at her now sitting in the passenger seat. She is wearing a green two piece outfit. Her brown hair is pulled back into a styled clip. Letting some bangs accentuate her face and drawing you into her lovely green eyes. Wearing gold hooped earring and gold chained necklace. Shades of pink lipgloss is on her lips. She looks stunning. I’ve always been dumbfounded on how a guy like me got her attention.

I laugh out loud at her excitement and concede to her being right.

The car is idling in traffic while the cars are being moved slowly to the side. One accident tends to always start another one with looky loos.

My insecure self is sitting there thinking about all the what if’s in our relationships. I’ve been doing this a lot lately. I guess the pressure of marriage or the idea of marriage is making me question things. Not about my love for Mal, but her love for me really?

I look over and ask, “Did you ever notice me in our senior lit class?”

“What do you mean?”

I ask again, “Did you ever notice me. Like, before I made myself known to you by ways of awkwardness and my random seating choices?”

Mal looks at me quizzically and quickly changes her face to a calmer one.

“I didn’t really notice anyone. I wasn’t looking around the room for dates at 8am my senior year of college. At that point I was just trying to survive!” She laughs a little and tucks a bang behind her ear.

I don’t feel satisfied with that answer. “Would you have noticed me otherwise?” I begin again.

“Beck?” What’s this about?”

I quickly guard up “Nothing! I was just thinking the other day that if I hadn’t knocked your notes out of your hands by accident that we would have never met.”

“You never thought to talk to me?” Mal joked.

“Mal! Did any guy in class talk to you? I mean look at you! You are 10 on most guy’s scale. I would bet money that any guy in that class would take his arm in a bear trap just for you to start up a conversation with them. I know I would have!”

She giggles and shakes her head like she doesn’t believe me. All girls do this. They don’t believe when a guy tells them the level of beauty they are and compares a ridiculous analogy to it.

“You are ridiculous there were like 50 other girls in that class!” She adds confidently

“Yeah and I’m sure they were pretty, but the 15 guys were all looking at you. Myself included.”

“I’m just saying. You didn’t look at me and even took me a few attempts to get you to have coffee with me and talk about our thesis papers.” I point out.

I start to say something and stop myself. Mal notices and raises her eyebrow. She is rolling her fingers as to say come on spit it out…..

“I just feel like I did on our very first date.” I pause to think of my phrasing.

“Spit it out Becks! For like the past month it’s been like this” Mal says annoyed and impatient

“I just feel like I love you way more than you love me. That I was a second choice on the grand scheme of love. I always think of our future, but you only think as far as next week. I feel like if I didn’t make an effort back in college that you would have fazed me out.” I feel my palms start to sweat on the steering wheel and my heartbeat is in my throat. That’s the first time I’ve brought anything like this up. I feel nauseous because she is staring ahead and not blinking. Expressionless.

“What’s your Hangup with Adam?” She throws out so fast that I almost didn’t catch it.

“Who said anything about Adam?” I point out just as fast.

“You are always comparing our relationship to what Adam and me had?” She’s now a little nervous sounding.

“I don’t actually. Just because I don’t like the guy and I mentioned once that I found it odd that you two dated for six years and didn’t even have a break up.” My breathe is coming in short waves and I regret starting this conversation in the car.

“What Adam and I had was something sweet, young, innocent, new, and sappy, but what I have with you is …..is …is.” She is drawing a blank! An actual blank

I’m hurt and shocked that she can’t even come up with an answer “Hmmm. hard to come up with a word for it? Can you even tell me why you love me? I know this is dramatic, but I mean here we are!”

Traffic has been creeping this whole time, but now it’s started to move again and I notice we have about 3 miles to go until our exit.

“Beck. I love you. I do.” She’s searching and frantic in the eyes

“Mal I’m not really cornering you. I’m asking a question. Why do you love me?” And she just keeps looking forward now with her hands palm side up sitting in her lap. Like she’s waiting for the answer to fall into her lap and she can catch it and wave it in my face.

Mal has said she’d love countless times over the year, but I said it first and when i did she hesitated for a second. She eventually added she love me too, but I was always concerned with the pause.

“Look just think about it. We will go to the party and shower Amy with love. I’ll be nice to Adam and when we get home just…… slip me an answer.” I feel like I have an elephant on my shoulders. My worst fear happened so quickly that I didn’t even prepare myself.

Exit 46 approached and I turned the car off the main highway and headed towards the party. In silent and in fear that my girlfriend is slowly becoming less of my girlfriend as she keeps staring ahead for an answer that I doubt will ever come.