I am tired of reading, watching and hearing the narratives of men and their absent or troubled fathers. My father has always been there so to speak. I have good memories and stories of this man teaching me how to fish how to camp and generally how to enjoy the things he loved so much that turned into things I love so much, with the exception of one thing….his conversion to Christianity. Our early life we grew up pretty non-religious with a default to Catholicism but dont remeber anything about that. I remember the day clearly when I feel like I lost my dad to religion, the day he switched from my siblings and mom being the focus of his life to this imaginary made up belief of Jesus and god, the holy trinity and whatever. Yes, when I utter those words it is with such disdain. Again, I have fond memories of my dad, being at the lake, being behind the wheel on his lap driving, hanging out with him in the yard, I mean I have loads. I am stuck today though with a wall between us. We both may feel the same I dont know, but I feel I am constantly trying to meet him half way at least and all I get is read the bible and you will have all the answers, that is the only truth you need. I am an educated Indiginous man! One would say what does that have to do with anything. For one I have read so may words that have had a profound impact on my life, connected in ways that I though I would never.

There is one particular book that has brought me full circle and into more than belief but thinking and knowing thast I am connected, and thats Buddha in redface. Long story short, I carrried that book everywhere, I read and re-read over an over. Had notes, highlights and bent pages and then it was just gone. I remember talking with an Indiginous friend who considers her self a healer and I was talking to her about this book. She casually says, “Buddha in Red face written by Eduardo Duran,” I was like yeah have you read that? She said, “yes of course and he is my clinical supervisor.” I was blown away. She connected me to him and we had many conversations about dream time and life. That is real, that I can touch feel, hear and physically experience. I am not huge on belief, we are too intelligent and gifted with an amazing brain to just believe everyting. I have had numerous experiences like this and its hard to connect with my dad anymore whose is stuck on a book and a beleif that is so contradictory, mysogynistict, homopphobic and flat out garbage.

I really wish I could have my dad back! Our last conversation ended in him being so angry and saying lets just leave this here, his words basically the way I took it, you are not worth it son, my imaginary god takes priority over you have a good life. I left him with, dad, I met this guy through work, we had to travle together, I never met him before. He greeted me at the airport like we were long time friends, he announced it to the entire airport. Of course I was a little embarrased never really had another person do that to me before. Fast forward, we are really close friends now. During the process of friendship I found out he was the pastor of a church. Of course right off the bat my first instinct was I can be friends with this guy. I ended up having a chat with him about my disdain for organized religion, the church the bible and my dad. We are still very close, he is him, and I am me to eachother unapologetically. We meet and accept eachother right where we are at. What has really blown me away about this relationship is that on numerous occasions he has reached out to me for advice. This has been soul opening for me and has allowed me to heal a bit and to return the favor on occassion with him!

I wish and hope to get to a place like this with my father someday…