Today is the day, knowing it is coming doesn’t make it hurt any less. The day we found out broke our hearts. Somehow the day we put you into the ground is even worse. I had never known I could love someone without meeting them.

One week earlier

 “He is going to be coming any day now” Dakota said. “That’s true but I have barely been having any kind of cramps and they said I have barely started labor” Amanda said. “Oh he will be here when God thinks it’s time love” responded Dakota. 

2 days later

  Amanda came home and feeling strange, having cramps but they weren’t consistent or close enough together. Dakota didn’t think anything of it but reassures Amanda “Don’t worry, it’ll all be okay and work out fine, you have to trust in God” 

The due day

   “I am about to go to work love, let me know if they say anything about inducing you at you appointment today!” As Dakota is working he gets a phone call, but he is busy at work so he doesn’t answer it, he gets a text message immediately after and he goes to the bathroom reads the messages from Amanda. It was a short message that simply says “Harrison is now in heaven.” Dakota stunned by the message doesn’t know what to do and begins panicking. He goes to talk to an HR rep and then his supervisor about leaving early but he is panicking and doesn’t explain just says he has to leave. His manager is helpful and lets him clock of early and leave. He calls his wife and discusses what the doctor said “They couldn’t find a pulse, so they need to do an induction.” He tells her he will meet her at the hospital. On the way there he calls his dad, and tells him the news. Dad is as dumbfounded as everyone else. 

That night

  We have been at the hospital for a couple hours, many family and friends have come by and shown us love, to the point the hospital opened up another room and cleared it out for our visitors and guests. Amanda has been pumped full of many drugs to help her feel as little pain as possible. Her water hasn’t broke and she isn’t barely dilated. Dakota has spent much of the time alternating between the room for visitors and the room with his wife. Sleeping in a hospital is hard enough, even harder under these circumstances. 

The morning

    Amanda’s water has finally broken. The dicots is on his way. The moment has finally come, Dakota prays for a miracle that his sons comes out crying and there was a mistake with the machine. The doctor shows up, he starts prepping everything and Dakota is doing his best trying to be supportive for his wife. As his son starts coming out the head first, then the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around his neck. All remaining hope left Dakota at that point and was replaced with despair. He didn’t have time to despair though, his wife needed him. Bury it down, take care of her first. 

That rest of that day

   That day was spent many of those same guest came and held our beautiful son. Everyone got to hold him for several hours and lots of pictures. There was still an air of despair surrounding the couple. Then they say it was time to take him to the funeral home, so they could prep him for the funeral.

The rest of the week

   That week was a blur, many people visiting trying to do all they can, gifts of money and food. Yet there maintained a hole. Something that seemed to have no way to be filled. 

The funeral

   We buried you today, much of it was a blur. But I remembered all my friends and family coming and giving hugs expressing love and sadness on our behalf. I cried a fully bawling cry at, the first time I have since this all started. You have a place in our hearts that cannot be replaced. We go on living with the question “what would you be like today?” We go on knowing and believing that one day we will get to see you again. Yet we still ask God why he would do that to us. We go on living, with the hole you left.