My hands tremble, working the knot in my tie

My dry mouth feels not of this body as I try to form sentences, a frenzied attempt at a conversation with the mirror.

As the hour grows nearer I fear I may not be up to the task, a fact I am apt to embrace given my track record.

A letter sits in an envelope, that sits in a pocket attached to my inner jacket. I’ve turned back twice now.

I convince myself to finally go. We’ve come this far it would hurt me more if I just didn’t show. In this moment, it is just you and I, two atoms in a universe forever intertwined

The white dress cascading around you might as well be magic. It abracadabras the knot out of my throat, it saws my breath in two only for it to snap right back together, it makes me feel as though no chains or locks can hold me, and in the presence of the queen of hearts I for sure know, that this is your card.

But at the end of the day, just like magic, I know that it’s all an illusion

I sit in the back few pews as the I do’s follow through. I forever hold my peace.

I give you a hug and a kiss on your cheek, and I hold your hands wishing you a life full of the things I never had a chance to give.

I give you a card from my other jacket pocket. The letter that remains, is a weight my would will forever learn to carry.

It sits in my hands at home, unopened. It sits in my hands heavy with impossible futures. With hypothetical happiness. It goes in a box filled to the brim with missed moments, with diems never carpéd, with a life that could have been. All cut short, by letters never sent.

My jacket falls to the floor, finally free of that weight

And in the end, we only regret

The chances we didn’t take