Don’t you just love being kidnapped by lethally insane and mentally unstable psychopaths? I mean, it’s just FANTASTIC. Who doesn’t love a gun being held to your head while you beg for your life in five different languages?

That’s not even the best part. I’ve been kidnapped THREE TIMES. No joke, three times. I guess sociopaths just love 5’0 tall non-binary pals with the tips of their hair black dyed purple. They’ve just got a thing for peeps with ebony brown eyes and bangs.

Luckily for me, I’ve perfected my method of escaping from my abductors. Honestly, it’s really simple. For example, take last summer. I was kidnapped (shocker, I know) by this, like, really bald and buff dude.

“Soooooo…,” I said after I was strapped into a dolly chair in a dim room. “Ya wanna know something?” The guy turned around, glaring at me.

“What?,” he mumbled.

“I can rap.”

“Good for you.”

“Well? Don’t you wanna hear me?”

“No.”

“Your opinion is irrelevant, so I’m gonna do it.”

Taking a deep breath, I started rapping.

“I’m taking this horse by the reins, making red coats redder with bloodstains.” The man’s eyes widened.

“Is it that song from that broadway musical?,” he asked nervously. Smiling, I nodded.

“Sure is,” I replied, then continued. After the second line, this guy was FED UP. Frankly, it was hilarious.

“Just shut up!,” he shrieked. I shook my head no.

“Make me big boy,” I yelled, a huge grin plastered on my face. “I GO BACK TO FRANCE FOR MORE FUNDS.”

“Please don’t,” the man begged.

“AND COME BACK WITH MORE.”

“Oh god.”

“GUNS AND SHIPS.”

“Fine!,” the man cried. “If you shut up, I’ll let you leave.” Instantly, I shut my yapper as the man started untying me.

“Please leave,” he insisted once all the ropes were off. I smirked.

“Don’t gotta tell me twice,” I responded. As I skipped out of the room, I thought I might as well leave this poor soul with one last parting gift.

“I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT!,” I cried, peeping my head through the door frame. And of course, you can’t finish a good story, escape, or end of the first act without…

“BAM!”