This has been the longest car ride of my life. It’s so piercingly silent it’s painful. No fan blowing, no music, no talking- I’d even take screaming at this point. But no, I’ve screwed up so badly this time that I’m now subjected to the sound of silent disappoint.

“Mom, I’m so sorry.” Each word comes out carefully as I expect her to cut me off at any point. “I swear I’m gonna work on paying you back.”

“Oh shut it, Kasey. You and I both know I’m never getting that money back. Just drop it.” She says with exhausted anger. More silence.

I can’t stand this. I have to try and make her understand. I didn’t mean for all of this to happen, “I know you think I’m a disappointment and you probably wish you never had me, but I really am trying to be better. I just needed the money to pay back what I owed a friend-“

“So you decided it was a good idea to steal from me so you could pay back your friend, who you also stole from? Kasey, how the hell does that make any sense?” The exhaustion has subsided. She’s just angry now. “I’m not disappointed. I’m done.”

I look over to make sure I heard her right, “You’re done? What’s that supposed to mean? You’re my mom. Aren’t you supposed to love me unconditionally? Be there for me when I mess up?”

“I have, Kasey! I’ve put up with your attitude ever since you were dumb enough to get one. I’ve bailed you out countless times with no thanks from you or anyone else. I’m done!” Her knuckles turn white as she grips the steering wheel. She’s probably imagining that it’s my neck. “This is the last time I’m helping you out. I’m dropping you off at your grandma’s and I’m gone. Don’t contact me until you’re done being immature and stupid.”

Her words sting straight through my chest. I know she means them. I knew one of these days I would push her so far she’d have no choice but to jump off the edge. I got her to this point. I have no one else to blame but myself.

Mom lets out a deep sigh, “How did we get here, Kasey?” I notice her quickly wiping away a tear. “I know I was hard on you sometimes, but I just wanted more for you.”

“But nothing I did was ever good enough,” My turn to try hiding the tears. “I was just trying to be what you wanted. But I always fell short, and you made sure I knew it. So at some point, I stopped trying.” My heart pounds from the adrenaline of honesty.

More silence. Neither of us having more to say, or maybe just not knowing what to say.

We pull into my grandma’s driveway.