My ex always told me I think too much. That I over analyze everything. That I sucked out all the joy since I can’t “be present.” And thanks to those oh-so-thoughtful parting remarks, my ass was now parked on the damp ground listening to clicks and snaps as every other person in the group takes endless pictures. These people had to document everything - from the stem of a flower to the birds so high in the trees they could barely see them.

I swear they never sat down, but I don’t have that kind of energy. Heck I could barely make it through a hike back home.

Maybe a 3-day tour of the rainforest was a mistake. Yet even here, with only these strangers for company and a bountiful amount of nature seemingly pressing in from every angle, I couldn’t turn my mind off to just enjoy it.

Was that a bug crawling on my skin? Or was it just the soft grass moving in the breeze?

Were my lungs struggling to get oxygen? Or was I just getting used to the hot, humid air pressing in against my mouth and skin?

That noise - did an animal make that? Or was it just the movement of so many plants and trees pushed in close together?

For that matter, what even lived in all this brush? You could barely see the ground, aside from on the trail, so hundreds of tiny critters or rodents or....or bugs could be coming right at me.

Unable to take the racing thoughts anymore I stand up quickly, wandering down the trail to where the group lead was waiting. It was odd walking around here - I didn’t get to hear typical, satisfying snaps as I step on a branch or crush a dried leaf. Everything here was so damp and... and alive that it almost seemed to just move with me.

The grass underfoot was tamped down to form the trail, and every blade of grass seemed to be woven together to create a living floor mat. Even the vegetation that crowded in and leaned over the trail couldn’t be ruined, it just swayed and moved to its own rhythm. The low hanging branches danced with the wind or caught on a passing arm or backpack before gently releasing its captive and moving back.

Stopping in the middle of the trail, I decide to try again. To try to stop and just enjoy. After releasing a deep breath, the first thing I notice is the smell of the flowers. The scent is concentrated thanks to the humidity, and looking around I see a clump of flowers just off the path that must be the cause. Squatting by them, I reach out and feel the silky smooth petals, admiring the vivid purple color of each petal. And the middle bit, I think where the pollen is made, is such a deep red and it almost seems to reflect off the unblemished petals. The flowers aren’t exactly uniform, but they are perfectly dissimilar to create a whole bouquet of flower that almost begged to be picked.

But as I reach for a stem, my hand hesitates. And without analyzing the impulse, I stand up and leave the flower pulsing with life. And turning, I find another plant to admire. And I notice myself taking in not just the rich hues of the flowers and even of some butterflies, but also taking in the overwhelming feeling of life. The feeling of every piece of vegetation of every creature thriving to the beat of a single heartbeat.

And I make sure that as I go, I leave the flowers rooted in the damp soil and let the bugs fly dizzying circle in the air without swatting at them. I came here to be present and enjoy the beauty in nature. So I was going to let that nature remain present and wonderfully pulsing with life.