I feel bad for mourning her loss, guilty almost

There’s no reason to be, I have just as much right to be sad as anyone else

But when I think of her husband and her 4 year old daughter, who lost more than I ever have, I can’t help but feel like I don’t deserve to mourn, that I should be comforting them and holding up a strong exterior.

My older cousin shares posts on her Instagram that reminds her of the loss all the time. I don’t open up like the others, whenever I feel broken, I hold it in again.

Some may call this strong, I think I’m just confused.

I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t think of her as dead.

We shared a lot of similarities. She got me more than my other family members. She is the only one who understood my love of reading, the one who would take me out for days at the bookstore, and a drink at a drive-thru. I fear that as I grow older, the memories will go. My mother says she can’t clearly remember her voice anymore. What if one day, I too am like that?