My Ally is gone. The girl I had sworn to protect. I protected her from the monsters under her bed, but I never even thought to protect her from the monsters within her. In the nights when she cuddled up next to me- when I was on edge waiting for the monsters to come out, so I could save her, I never even noticed the monster crawling into her. It took over her body and made her sick.

Cancer- that’s what I heard in the hospital with her. She said it was a scary word, and I thought to myself, that I would never let a word do anything to her. I failed her. As she sat in the hospital all day and all night- sometimes her parents weren’t even there sometimes, I was there, I couldn’t stop it. 

I was there on Christmas day. She got out of bed and rolled to a room, with other kids, they were just like her. She held me, grasping onto my fuzzy arms. They talked to each other, Ally stayed quiet. 

She used to be loud. 

“Ally, open your present.” The nurse said. The nurse smiled. Ally slowly ripped it open revealing a teddy bear- just like me, only cleaner, and in a nurse’s outfit. It had buttons for eyes, and patches, those weren’t like mine. My patches are reminders of how hard I’ve worked to protect Ally. That bear looked like it was put there in the factory. It was ugly, Teddy bears get their personalities through the time spent with their kid. That’s why I look so well loved. 

Ally held him up, she pressed him up to her nose and smelled him. He had a scent- vanilla. “Thank you.” She placed it next to her on her rolling chair. It felt good to still be the best bear, I still got to sit on her lap. He didn’t look like he belonged with Ally. He looked like he needed to be with a different kid. A kid with aspirations to be a nurse, Ally had no such aspirations.

  I used to have clothes, a sweater, with the name “Reeses.” 

I came from the Hershey chocolate factory. 

I remember the exact shelf I was on when Ally met me; when I finally had a purpose. She ran up to me, pulling her mother behind her, pointing at me. Mom grabbed me and gave me to Ally. The look in her eyes was unmatched to anything I had seen as other bear’s got chosen. As Mom rang me up, Ally told her mother that she wanted to pay, Mom handed her cash, I remember exactly how much I cost: 25.76. Ally’s eyes lit up as she paid for me.

My eyes lit up too- well if they could have, they would have.

She talked about me the whole ride home, admiring my fluff, my yellow and orange sweater, and my hat. Then when she got home, she promptly placed me on her bed, next to all her other stuffed animals. Next to Dill, a green dinosaur, who told me he was her first stuffed animal. He reminisced about how Ally couldn’t pronounce Ls that well and would call him Dee Dee. I wanted a cool name, with so many memories attached.

My name is Reese, or her father calls me Charles, because it makes Ally upset. He thinks it’s funny; I don’t. 

That Ugly Bear said to me, “How long has she had you?”

“. Six years.” 

Two years ago she got sick. 

“Is she good to you?” What kind of question is that? Ally would do nothing to hurt me, she would do that to barbies, but honestly, they deserve it- arrogant dolls, nothing like the classic Teddy Bear. 

“She is the best kid, and never think otherwise.” 

After that day at Christmas I became preoccupied, I turned Ugly Bear into the monster under the bed. He never had bad intentions- I don’t think. But he didn't belong between Dill and I. Ally never touched him unless the nurse who gave it to her asked how she liked it. Then she would hold it up and fake a smile. She was always so polite. 

During my period of forgetting to protect Ally, I never heard the murmurs of the nurses and Doctors. I didn’t hear the sadness in her parent’s voices or see the tears in her eyes. Ally was getting weaker and weaker every day. In her last few days she never held me, she just loosely held onto my arms. She sat Dill up next to her and kept him in the pit of her arm. 

Then Mom picked me up. She carried me from the hospital- away from my Ally. We walked through the scary hallways. I noticed the colours draining from the hallways. As if the other, older patients didn’t get to enjoy the colours of the rainbow. We went from the Child Cancer Ward, then to pediatrics, then out the door to a cold winter day.

She used to take me out in the snow. We would do snow angels- of course she would have to manually do my snow angel. Then we would sled together, I loved sledding. She loved it. She loved the winter; it was the individual patterns in snowflakes, how the snow fell on the trees creating a beautiful landscape, and how she would have Mom make us hot chocolate when we got inside. Then she would throw me in the dryer to get all the snow off me. Sometimes in those brief moments I was without her I wondered if she would survive without me there to protect her. And now- I wonder if the Cancer monster got in during those moments.

Mom led me to the car. It was an old car, they’ve had it ever since they brought me home. Why is she taking me away from Ally? 

Mom’s breath was heavy, and a single tear rolled from her eyes down to the car seat. “Oh Charles, you need to be cleaned don’t you?” I was dirty. But I tried not to think about it. I didn’t like to complain because my messiness was a product of Ally’s Cancer monster getting her. I stunk of vomit, sweat and tears. A clean would be good- my stench is probably why she isn’t hugging me as tightly as Dill. 

Mom started the car, then slowly made her way out of the parking garage. 

At home I noticed the state of the house. It was messy and dark. Clothes laid everywhere, in small piles, spread out, or draped across furniture. The blinds were closed and covered with dust. The light flickered as Mom turned it on. Before putting me in the way Mom carries me up the stairs and to Ally’s room. In contrast to the rest of the house, her room was perfectly clean, stuffed animals organized on her bed with a sign in the middle that said, “Welcome home.” 

Mom fell to the floor, letting me hit the floor as well. She cried into me. She muttered things, it sounded as if she was choking on her own sadness, “I need my baby home.” I wish I was her protector. I wish I could help her as much as I helped Ally. A few months ago, Mom talked about putting Ally on hospice, but Dad said that she should stay at the hospital for better care. I wish they asked Ally. 

Cancer wasn’t the only Monster to get in. But there was also an intense sadness that lingered. She wanted to be gone.  She became her own Monster. Her Monster lingered in her head, taking away her hope, and her happiness.  

Ally would want to be home right now. With her decapitated barbies and stuffed animals. And her cat. She wants to curl up with her cat, and read her books, which she has a vast collection of. Her parent’s brought some of her things to cheer her up, but that didn’t fill the hole being away from home had in her heart. 

Mom stood back up, she avoided looking at the welcome sign and left with me in hand. She threw me in the wash.

My wash was slow and disorienting, but anything for my Ally. As Mom unloaded me from the wash, she got a phone call. 

Then she picked me up and ran to the car. 

She pressed on the gas pedal.

It was like that first ambulance ride. We were going so fast.

Two years ago Ally had her seizure- The Cancer Monster. I’ve never felt so scared for her. Until today, because I know that phone call was for Ally, I know it’s bad. 

When I imagine a monster, I imagine fighting it with a sword in hand. Like in one of Ally’s Disney movies that she loves so dear. I imagined me slaying the monster as Ally was watching from her tower. It was a dragon in my head, an evil, ugly dragon. But I can’t see any of her monsters, if I could they would be gone. 

The hospital seemed greyer. Even the colourful walls had all the life- I will not finish that sentence, everything feels greyer, that is what I’ll say. The hallway that housed Ally seemed longer, like those nightmares Ally had about school, where she was trying to escape but she couldn’t run. 

She hated those dreams. She couldn’t escape from her 

nightmare.

In Ally’s room, Dad had moved his seat up next to Ally. 

Her eyes were sunken in and tired. Her pink hat that protected her head from the cold was not there. And she had an IV put in her arm. It definitely got worse when I left. The Cancer Monster got in when I was away- I shouldn’t have let Mom take me.

Mom put me up next to her. Dill looked sad- as sad as a green Dino plushie can look . 

I could feel Ally’s heart, it was slowly getting slower. “Ally, you can let go.” Dad said. No. I need more time, I can still fight her Cancer Monster for her. I can do it. More time, please. “My little flower, you don’t have to fight anymore.” Not anymore, because I can fight it- just let me fight it! I can help!

Ally opens her mouth, only for it to fall closed again. 

I can’t lose her- not today. The monster can still be fought. I know it. 

“I love-” 

Her eyes go blank. 

And her breath stops. 

“No, no, no.” Mom murmurs, not yet crying. 

Dad cries into his daughter’s arm. 

And I cry on the inside.

Because I failed to protect her. 

I couldn’t fight her monster for her.