It’s a kind of forbidden ache

That’s always followed me

And sometimes I think I know it

But it is wavering and shifting.

Ever changing it grabs me,

Spins me off my feet.

It loves me.

It hates me.

In the golden light you can start to see it

But it leaves me from time to time

And I wonder where it goes when it runs off.

Under the peach tree you can see it

And it is writing letters.

To people who never knew my heart,

But in my head they did.

And it’s telling them what I never said.

It’s cooking dinner in the kitchen.

You’re there with it

And you smile and I’m saying what I always thought.

And what I wished to say for so long.

It is your laugh

And you smile, the way your hair falls.

It is a memory

But it’s also me.

It’s everything that did happen, everything that never happened, everything that could have happened-

Everything that should have happened.

It circles me

Dips its toes into the pool of my mind

It shakes my idea of self, and I do not know if this is good.

When it leaves where does it go?

And what causes me to find it?

I feel I am allowed to hold on to this.

Even if it can’t be owned.

At least I can hold it in my hands

And say

In my mind,

You were mine.