My voice wouldn’t work. I’d thought about bringing it up so many times before, but actually doing it would make it all real. And I didn’t know what I would do if… he gave me the truth. I know the darkness that falls over his face when he thinks no one is watching, because it’s the same darkness that chokes me tighter every day. Maybe a different shade; the kind bred from a pit of grief. But darkness just the same.

“Brock…”

“What’s up?” He noticed the different tone in my voice and moved his focus to me.

“I know, um… things have been bad since your grandfather died. I guess I just wanted to know if…” I focused on the arm of his long-sleeve shirt, trying to force my voice to even out, but it dipped down anyways. “How bad it’s really been.” The last word came out quiet enough that I wasn’t sure if he was able to hear it or not.

I kept my gaze low, but when he didn’t respond, I raised it back to him. I don’t make eye contact with other people very often, which means that I don’t usually have time to notice the details of their face. But now I saw the heaviness of his eyelids. He didn’t answer right away. But when he met my eyes it did.

He looked down again. “Rowan, I’ve—I’ve thought about it… but I wouldn’t. Not right now.”

I felt my vision get blurry. Don’t tear up. I knew the answer already. I was ready for this. But it’s difficult to really ever be ready to know that my best friend knows the same things that torment me relentlessly day and night. My hands barely trembled, but I reached over to grab his. His fingers are warm. Right now he’s right here. With me.

When he gripped my hand tighter, I leaned over on the couch to hug him. He wrapped his arms around me, and the warmth of his body pressed into mine is all the reassurance that I needed. I don’t know how it happened, maybe it was him, but when we started to move away he looked into my eyes and our lips met. My heart jumped and I closed my eyes for a minute. I fell into the touch of his mouth on mine and everything felt alright. When we pulled away I tightened the hug again and buried my head in the shoulder of his sweatshirt. This wasn’t what I thought would happen, but I’ve thought about it for so long. I don’t know what this means for us and I know that I’m going to worry later. But right now all I want is to stay in his arms forever.