Trigger Warning: Infant Loss Her eyes opened slowly, unfocused and groggy. She couldn't remember where she was or how she’d gotten here. The room slowly came into focus as she climbed out of her tunnel of darkness. A hazy, early morning light filtered in through the window: not her bedroom window. She looked across her body to a small table elbowed over the foot of her bed. Atop the table was a covered dish, presumably her breakfast. Next to the dish stood a small, slim vase. The vase held a rose. … Janie had long awaited this day. She bustled with excitement as she grabbed the duffel sitting next to the door. She had packed this bag a month ago in anticipation of this day. The circumstances weren’t as she had originally planned them. Steve was in New York City on a business trip, and he wouldn't be home until tomorrow. That was ok; she could manage this on her own. She headed to the hospital and arrived only ten minutes later. Duffel in hand, she shuffled quickly up to labor and delivery. After checking in, she was ushered to a room, changed into a hospital gown, and climbed into the bed. A young woman came through the door: green scrubs, gloved hands, and an inviting smile. “Hello Mrs. Winchester! Are we ready to meet this little lady?” The nurse typed something into her computer, then rifled through the small drawers in the rolling computer cart. Janie beamed, “Yes ma’am! I have waited too long already. She was due last week!” The nurse smiled and set up Janie’s IV. She went back to her rolling cart and grabbed some straps, then moved in closer to the bed. “Go ahead and lay back. I just need to get you and baby set up here.” Janie laid back as the nurse strapped two bands around her belly: one pink and one blue. “What do these things do?” She asked. “These are for fetal monitoring. One of them monitors your contractions, and one monitors the baby’s heartbeat.” The nurse squirted some warm jelly on Janie’s abdomen and placed a sensor on it. She moved the sensor around a few times, then wiped it off and tried again. The smile she wore slowly shifted to a look of confusion. “Just a second,” the nurse flashed a smile at Janie. “I’ll be right back.” Janie felt a knot start to form in her already tightening abdomen. The nurse left the room, and returned a minute later with another nurse. They were talking softly, and Janie couldn’t make out what they were saying. “Hello Mrs. Winchester.” The second nurse also flashed a reassuring smile. “My name is Jolene, and I’m here to help bring this little one into the world today.” She pulled a doppler from her pocket; Janie recognized this from her many prenatal visits. The second nurse repeated the actions of the first, only using the doppler instead of the small monitor attached to the strap. Janie raised her head to watch, and started to feel a sickness in the pit of her stomach. Where was the heartbeat? Something wasn’t right. She knew what was supposed to happen here, and it had never taken her doctor this long to find a heartbeat. She looked at the face of the first nurse, then the second, searching for a sign of comfort: no such sign was found. “Is everything okay?” Her face twisted in a look of worry now. The second nurse looked at her colleague, “Get the doctor and the anesthesiologist. Quickly.” She turned back to Janie. “Mrs. Winchester, I just need you to lie back. We are going to administer something into your IV that will help you relax, ok?” The nurse gently placed a hand on Janie’s shoulder. She grabbed a vial from her bin, unpackaged it, and hooked it up to Janie’s IV. This is where Janie began to lose time. Everything moved so quickly, and Janie couldn’t grasp the reality of what was happening. Her eyes began to fill with tears of worry, and her head was a foggy cloud. … The rose atop the bedside table glistened in the morning light. She remembered now, and wished she hadn’t emerged from the darkness. She looked at the cell phone beside her leg: 7am, and 3 missed calls. It was the coroner’s office again. They had more questions, and she had no more strength to answer. Yesterday they had called about Steve. He had begun the journey south from New York upon hearing that Janie was in labor; he hadn’t made it. He wasn’t used to driving in the snow, and the car spun out. He wasn’t ever going to make it back. A nurse knocked on the door and peered into the room. “Good morning Mrs. Winchester. I have your valum and some orange juice.” She slipped into the room, an empathetic smile on her face. The nurse took her vitals, then gave Janie the medication. Janie took the pills, then shifted her gaze back to the rose. Stopping at the door, the nurse turned her eyes back to the lifeless woman in the hospital bed: “The nursery attendant will be down soon with her death certificate. I am so sorry Mrs. Winchester. Please call if there is anything else you need today.” The nurse quietly shut the door; Janie’s gaze never left the rose.