I love performing. I am at peace with myself and feel at one with the world. The orchestra, the costume, the audience, my movements…all slide into perfect harmony when I am on stage. Everything just makes sense. I do not worry about school, or parents, or boys, or my phone, or the news. I am alive and present for every beat of the music, every sway of my body. Nothing else matters. It’s as if the entire world melts away and me on stage is the only thing that is real.

Nothing comes close to the feeling of performing.

Except the feeling of auditions.

Take all of the joy and peace and harmony that comes with performing, turn it inside out and that’s what auditioning feels like. Anxiety. Self-doubt. Fear. I have never finished an audition and thought, “That went great!” Even if I nailed every movement, there is also the doubt that I did not do enough. I’m just a number. Even if I know the choreographer, there are no guarantees at auditions. All eyes are watching, judging, whispering. And it’s not just about who is the best dancer. I start to second-guess what I wore to the audition, how my hair looks, do I have too much or too little makeup on. I start to size up the competition. I hate auditioning. Hate. If they told me I could get the part by cleaning the bathrooms or go through the audition process, I would take the bathrooms in a heartbeat. That’s no lie.

But performing? You could offer me a million dollars, and I would rather be out on stage.