I want you to message me and yet I never want to hear from you ever again.

I keep looking at your Instagram to see what you are doing now and then I block you.

It happens all time, it has sort of become a a cha cha dance by now.

Where I take one step forward, then to the side and then backwards.

Only to repeat this every other week or so.

I want you to think of me and yet I want you to forget I ever existed.

Like I am trying to forget about you, because we were never meant to be more than what we were.

You are neurotic and lack empathy, you never kept your promises and it turns out it was always a just a game for you.

But, the truth is, if I am brave enough to admit this, is that I played the game too.

I lied to you, so many times, as did you to me.

We probably don’t even know each other, not really anyway.

We only know the parts that we showed to each other

And some of those parts were made up and a lot was left out too.

And I am upset that I played this game for so long.

But yet, I couldn’t bring myself to stop playing. Surely that is not on you?

I still find myself thinking of the idea of you.

The stories I told myself about you, which isn’t really even you at all.

And I miss that person, the person that I created

And at the same time, I hate you, I hate how dishonest you were with me.

But I too was dishonest with you.

And so I am left with unanswered questions and never getting closure,

Because I don’t even think I can trust anything that you say anymore.

And I guess this cha cha dance will continue, until I make peace with my role in this dysfunction.

Until I stop blaming you for it all and take responsibility too.

Until I can block you one day and never feel the urge to think of you again.