I’m feeling gloomy

The days we haven’t spoken toll up into a sickly feeling of emptiness

It’s widening with each day passing

I know I’ve got myself to blame;

my wounded inner 5 year old wants to force an outcome with you because uncertainly makes me shaky and panic ridden

What will be come of us next week or in a month? Or next year?

My default programming alerts me to seek constant assurance or my insecurities will seek me with hurtful and increasingly brutal alerts telling me I’m in danger of the rug being pulled beneath my feet; will I wake up one day to find you gone

Will you still be there tomorrow ?

Will you suddenly feel unhappy and leave me with or without a note ?

Will I find out that sleeping with others and sex parties were always happening in your world 6 months later - when you proclaim that there was no promises made only the ones I made up in my head ?

I don’t know when I’ll be seeing you next or even if you want to see me on a regular . Will I be waiting for you to “be in the mood” to answer my texts and calls ? Or maybe you decide by my tone of voice or gage if I’m in a less abrasive or impossible mood first.

I know I need to let love be and let it breath it’s own path

but then history tells me that implied boundary lines bread confusion

Guessing I’m doing things right never leads to defusing hit feelings they fuel them by virtue of their invisibility.

Thinking I’ve got the line right for you and me is aggravation waiting to shower all it’s hurtful and disgusting surprises on our precious love and much valued trust.

Lines implied fill in a gap that clarity should have filled then guessing gets wonky for a little bit followed by hurtful blows to the nuts .

Guess work done to the things that need careful instruction and handling like dry cleaning that can’t be thrown hastily into the wash or you’ll never get it back again - maybe a crumpled mess returned but that’s it .

Blurred to agreed lines are sitting there just waiting to be unwittingly trampled on, which pollute our finite and precious cup of love because lines were never set in place or really communicated.

So the implied line gets breached by one of us (unintentionally so) and then steadily the consequences build up with stains and cracks on our hard earned trust that took ages to get right and heal . Yet it’s taking less than a minute to tear down.

So you don’t want me sleeping with other people other than you? Does that work both ways ? Is this an agreed line?

I admit - I’ve allowed my ego, and my so called “priority in life” to go to great lengths to not look like an idiot I’m front of friends - to become an ego trip that solely tripped us up.

The inner child in me that didnt get enough attention or acknowledgment wants a “title” to throw at my critics - well friends usually but On this topic friends feel more opposing forces than friendly

My friends seem to believe I’m a bunny boiler or a dumb silly cow to have serious feelings for you. I was told just the other day that “I need to let go of you “ .

You even commented the other day “Kitty you’re madly in love with me “ as if it was offensive or criminal like in an unwelcome stalker way - well that’s how it felt in the moment .

I know half the time I’ve presumed or projected things onto the us /you /our situation - which is not fair and I should learn to firmly leave the past in the past - thing is I can’t always tell the difference - boy i need some supernatural healing - it’s a shitty unruly mess inside me .

i get surprised at how sensitive and self destructive I get. I am seeing my dysfunction play out more clearly these days with my friendships where I have relied on their approval in substitution of my own inner knowing- so badly silenced & exiled I no longer hear its truth.

It’s a painful lesson to betray ones own heart by sidelining it for an out sourced opinion because I couldn’t trust my own opinions .

I no i do this too my self - and make things harder and complicated than they need to be

- I’m my own worse enemy but you know that better than me .

I kick myself because I’ve got everything right in front of me with you - and because it means so much to me to have a man like you beside me making me feel on top of the world walking on water with new found mysteries and insights loving you brings me each day .

The length and breadth of your layers and untold depths to you cause me to feel all sorts of wonder and child like ( life giving ) excitement.

It’s so intense and jaw droopingly succulent, I get myself into a tangle and knot with a barrage of seemly uncontrollable thoughts about horrible misery like how unbearable life would be if I lost you . I’ve hardly had much time with you but already I’m thinking of the end “catastrophising”.

I sometimes feel I might get lost in this shocking state of love - that is like having a new toy that you really wanted for Christmas but better - I could drift off into deep space and never find my way back to sense and how life was back then - in the days before love struck me like thunderbolt - out the blue - changing my life forevermore ...

but really do i want to go back to my life pre the love thunderbolt ? Er no .... the best day of my whole dam shit excuse of a life back then.

Part of me also realises I’m that im not my best self today - I’ve gone a bit down hill - seeing me at my worst - not too mention all the shit storms I’ve caused us ... guess I’m not really feeling good enough for you today .

I’ve caused tears and marks to our untainted gift of love that I can’t get rid of or delete out of our past.

A precious thing this love with so many facets and unexpected niches yet to discover with you. Not to mention all the new doors opening up for deep transformative healing together.

All ready my mind is buzzing with unheard of concepts and new perspectives like how satisfying it could be to ditch chemical highs altogether for a far greater pleasures - because it’s the most natural step

I’d never wanted to give up highs as life felt to painful and unbearable to cope with day I. Day out because all my life I put up with things I really didn’t like but felt obligated to do so destructive habits that made life less harsh. What a lovely thought that is ...

Anyway I need your life enhancing influence in my life most days - well all days - and I

dying for more of your sincere words that show real care in all your ways even when I’ve done something I shouldn’t to warrant anger in your responses .

You intregue me, and unexpectedly surprise me in so many ways - I don’t think a day has gone by that you’ve not effected in usually big ways - but you won’t necessarily see as there inside me working on stuff every day.

I feel elevated and exposed to the rarest of beauty and love beyond ecstasy. Any just when I think I can’t possibly feel more supernaturally incredible - you prove me wrong everyone.

And only getting half of all the goodness a invaluable delights of love with you would be ace and towers above all humans but you smash all limits and no rules or records remain - it’s left to you to set the new benchmarks and standards that guys should all follow (if they can).

Your so prefect, divine and sublime to me - in more ways than I can keep track off . You make me so lucky and totally content by just existing .

In awe of that mind of yours .

I don’t need a touch to turn me on - a touch from you does way more than that anyway. Scared lover you were surely made for me , everything you do is divine and perfect . Love love profoundly heals and nourishes me deep within.

Uniquely genius is you - my baby- truly - I can’t get enough for you . I love every bit d you - I like what I see a bit more every day. Everything about you increases daily.

Your energy leads and inspires to a high degree of lush qualify. It heals and is so so special - the keys to the kingdom are bestow upon yo only for the reason to honour you and Mark you as remarkable - dunno what you did but the whole cosmos is in adoration and much love for you.

I truly hope I get that chance to show you every day or at least most days just how rare , unique and deeply scared you are - no other can compare to you -your heart outshines in it’s profoundly felt ways you lovingly do all measures of things with greater grace depths of glory .

I hope I haven’t embarrassed you too much with my indulgence into the lovely detail of you but everyone says it about you anyway when you’re not around because they ( like me ) know your very special and superb .

Thank you for being you my darling , and in case of any doubt no man could ever compare to you- so I won’t be sleeping with anyone else period.

Yes - you are on a peddle stole to my eyes - I love adoring you and seeing you in your place all bronze in stature - handcrafted with devotion by the hands of the Almighty.