My dearest Krysten,

I am writing you this letter that you will never read because I need to say how I feel without worrying about how it will hurt you. I am sorry that my intense mental illness has been causing you to feel depressed and anxious around me, I understand that you are probably avoiding me because of that. I am trying to learn what makes me feel better when I get to this point, but I’m really struggling with my intrusive thoughts. I have been reacting without awareness and letting my hurt control me. I want to hurt you, Krys. I want you to see how I feel and I want you to cry, I want you to understand that wether or not you did it intentionally, my feelings are hurt and at the end of the day that matters. I’m violently angry with myself because my broken brain has decided that anxious attachment will make people stay, but every human who has come and gone is proof that I can not control your decision to love me. I’m furious that even after all the tears I’ve been drowning in, I want you to be the one to lift me up, wipe my tears away, and smile your beautiful sunshine over me. I have grown so much since I’ve met you and I think that’s a huge reason why I’m in love with you. I feel like when I’m with you, I start to become a better person. The person I want to be. Or at least, as close to that as I’m capable of at this time. I can’t do this alone anymore. I can’t keep living life with my mind the way it is, always working against itself and self sabotaging every ounce of joy. I have been trying to ask for help, but I don’t have the words and when I try, nobody listens. I feel like I’ve tried to tell you what I feel or what I need so many times and you always tell me that you will do anything you can to make it better, but that isn’t a promise you’re able to keep. You’re human, the same as me, and you’re going to make mistakes. I want to scream and cry and beg you to stop lying to me, to just say what you’re really thinking even if it hurts me, even if it kills me. I’m in so much pain, and I have to take accountability for that. I knew that I wasn’t ready to bring you into my life, and I did it anyway. I knew that connecting you to the other people who are important to me would mean I lose them, or that I could lose you. I just filled my body from head to toe with nothing but hope, and when the worst case scenario happened, I was crushed. The life left my system and I feel debilitated. I keep thinking that things can be different as long as I am different, but it doesn’t work like that and I need to shut down my delusions before they completely consume me. I know you don’t love me. I know I’m not a priority to you. I know you thought that you wanted me until you got bored of my overwhelming chaos and you tolerated me because you already promised that you’d stay. The same way I promised I would never push you away. If I don’t break this promise then I’m going to lose myself in you and let you continue to hurt me until you are finally ready to throw me away. I feel so used, and I told you about how other people have used me, you saw the abuse and you called it out but now you’ve become a hypocrite. I don’t think you understand why you want to leave, you just know that you don’t like the way I make you feel. I am so exhausted. I’m tired of being the person who is too much for everyone around them. I’m too much for me most days. I love you, and I know that I chose to let you in, I chose to let myself get carried away by your beauty and depth, and I chose to choose you, no matter how much it hurts me. I know it’s time for me to change my decision and chose myself, but I don’t know how to do that when I find myself so shattered. I don’t feel like I’m worth the trouble, and logically I know that isn’t true, so I’m trying to realign my head and my heart. I don’t want to lose you. I love you so very much and I want to lose myself in you, but I know it’s not fair to ask you to carry the weight of my weakness. I’m so sorry for loving you, I hope that some day soon I can learn to love correctly and I won’t hurt everything and everyone I touch.

Please forgive me,

The person you’ve already forgotten