Day 1

My therapist says I have to start journaling my “feelings”. How do I even do that? How do I put all the emotions raging through my body, down on paper?

What does she want me to say? That I’m okay? I mean I’m not, but if it will get her off my back, I can pretend. I can.

I think.

Day 3

My mom got mad because I skipped yesterdays journaling. Even though yesterday was the funeral service.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think that writing down a few words is going to erase the image of my fxcking sister laying in a casket.

Even though they tried to hide it, the bruises around her neck were still there. They want me to write about my feelings after that?

How do I explain to my mother the fact that don’t want to live anymore? That I could have done more to help Mira when she was struggling? I could have seen the signs that my little sister was planning to hang herself? How am I expected to live without her? How is Zo going to learn how to live without her twin sister?

She hasn’t come out of her room since it happened, appearing for only an hour at the funeral before returning home. If there is a God out there, he must be cruel to take away my 10 year old sister.

Is he happy now? That he has taken away our family’s will to live? That my mom drifts through life like a zombie? That Zoe is mute and isolating herself?

Yeah I think I’m done with this shxt

TWO YEAR’S LATER

I thought I should update this journal with all the things that have happened since my last entry. I don’t know why, this is extremely stupid, but I feel that it is necessary.

3 months after the funeral, Zoe started to speak again. It took five months for mom to realize that we should be celebrating Mira’s life, not barely scraping through our own.

6 months after the funeral, mom took us to the nearest Christian church. A one hour service left us all in tears, kneeling before the altar.

One month after that, mom and I dedicated our lives to Christ. I can’t even begin to explain the liberation that came with that experience.

Though it took her a while, Zo eventually gave her life to Christ as well. Hers was the hardest to watch. The moment her head came out of the water, the tears began to spill.

This was the beginning of our lives. Instead of holding a depressing memorial for Mira every year, we actually decided to throw a party and talk about all of our best moments with her. Which I know is super cheesy, but it made the loss easier to handle.

Anyways, that is pretty much all that has happened. I am waiting for God to send me a wife though.

I would say I am going to keep up with this journal, but let’s be honest, as soon as I close it, I won’t be opening it for a LONG time.

Chao, Luka

THREE YEARS LATER

OMY FREAKING GOSH. I can’t believe it, the day has finally come, please Lord, if she is not for me, remove her from my life.

I literally almost took out this girl who apparently just joined our class 3 months into the school year.

And not a good take out, no, like the clumsy idiot I am, I practically tackled the poor girl when I tripped walking into class. Just the thought of it makes me burn in embarrassment.

I just met the most beautiful girl EVER and I just had to screw up our first encounter. They say the first ten seconds you meet someone are the most important. I really hope that is wrong.

Anyways, I thought I was done seeing her after first period, but NO, guess who is my new seat mate for 3rd? HER OF COURSE. I had to work so hard the whole period to not reach over and play with her goddess braids. Cuz that would be creepy. Does that make me a creep? Anyways, her skin, uhhhhgggggg, she literally has the most pretty brown skin. Her face when she loooked at me??!

Dead, deceased.

She was literally stunning, but not in a conventional way tho. She had acne scars on her cheeks, and new acne appearing, but I still can’t help but think that she is the most exquisite and gorgeous girl I’ve ever in my entire 18 years on earth, seen.

Please Lord, let her be my wife, I don’t need to go through 17 girls to find the one, if is in your will, let it be done.