Do you ever just wonder where it all went wrong? Or how you could be so freaking blind to something so obvious? I do. I wonder these things all the time. I wonder why I am stuck in a dead end job wasting away my talents working for a monster manager. I wonder why I was in love with a man that never wanted children when all I ever wanted was a baby of my own. I wonder how I could move hours away from my family and friends so my husband could change jobs. I wonder how I could let it all come to this. This horrible thing I now have to call my life. I wonder if I really love him or if I just got comfortable. Or if I was scared. Scared to leave and have to start fresh. I am 45 years old, entering menopause, and scared of the outside world. Well. After today’s events, I guess there isn’t much to be afraid of anymore. So much of my wondering all makes sense now.

When Andrew said we had to move last time, it was because he had a job offer for 20% more than he was making at the current place. Or, that is what he told me it was. I didn’t understand it at the time. His job was nothing special. I was the one making decent money at the corporate office. I had to completely quit my job and lose my seniority to move. There was no SilverDale options to work at in this area. I had been upset, cried, begged even. I didn’t want to move. I had worked so hard to get to where I was. The job was excellent, the pay substantial, and there was only room to grow. In Arden, there was only low end bank teller jobs that barely paid above minimum wage. I am grossly overqualified for bank teller and my new manager is very aware of that. She keeps sabotaging me so I can’t inadvertently be promoted to her position. She makes my life a living hell.

When we got to Arden, I tried to revisit the children topic. I really wanted to have a baby. Henry was dead set against it. “Why ruin a good thing babe?” Or “It’s nice to be able to do whatever we want, when we want, no kids to ruin it.” I had even tried asking for a pet. A dog or a kitten to satisfy my desire to love and nurture something small. He had gotten angry at me. Yelled. If I brought home a fuzzy, furry little animal he would kill it. Kill an animal? I had never seen him that angry. I should have known then. It should have been a huge red flag. I couldn’t see it. Wouldn’t see it, more like. I see it now. He moved us here to isolate me. To make me more reliant on him. All my friends were having babies or adopting, growing families and building beautiful lives. We were not growing anything but sadness. I just didn’t know it at the time.

Why all this reflection now? Well, it started two nights ago. I was pacing the living room waiting for Henry to come home. He had said it would be a late night at the office and not to wait up. I usually don’t. When he works late its usually into the wee hours of the morning. I like to be up reasonably early and go for a walk around the park. Imagine I am walking a dog all my own. Something was different that night. You may not believe me when I say the air felt sinister, but it did. I really think it did. No matter what I tried I could not get Henry out of my head. each time I closed my eyes I would see something horrible happening to him. Maybe it was because I like to read those thriller novels. Maybe it was because there really was something in the air. Well. I guess I know what was in the air now, don’t I.

Murder. There was murder in the air. Henry was not murdered, no. Henry was the murderer. When the police knocked on my door with a search warrant I was in complete shock. I had zero idea of what to do. Well. They did have a search warrant, so I let them in. But how to sort out what was happening. How to process the information the police were, and were not, telling me about my husband. Rubies. Something about rubies and gold and a robbery gone wrong. A robbery. My husband was involved in a robbery? The robbery went very wrong and a woman was killed in her home. In her home, by my husband, Henry. How do the police know this? He was trapped in the house when an alarm was triggered and the jewelry room automatically locked him in. A jewelry room. At the time, none of that seemed possible. Now…. How was I so blind? All the signs were there. In giant neon capital letters, not faded italics.

So the police had Henry in custody, with the murder weapon, holding the rubies. They had matched his style, or whatever they called it, to sixteen other robberies in the surrounding area. Once the police knew where we had moved from, those matches rose to an astonishing number. They found a safe I didn’t know existed in the attic and cracked it open. Lots of cash and jewelry of styles that we could never afford. It turns out Henry did not have an actual job he went to every day. He spent his days casing houses and people to steal from. The whole thing was mortifying. Our bank accounts have been frozen. My employer has sent me home to “rest” for a few weeks. I know what that means. I won’t be going back there after my so called rest. I am now struggling to sort out how I am going to pay the bills until I can get some more work. The nice detective gave me a card for a divorce lawyer.

Today I decided that I need to rethink my life. Completely. If I was afraid of starting over before I am terrified now. It needs to be done though. No choices left. I called my sister in Clearbrook and she says I can move in with her. Then I can give up the lease in Arden. That will make things better. I can get a job far enough away from here that no one will give me sideways looks. The divorce lawyer has taken my case pro-bono or whatever its called. I think that means he has taken pity on me and is doing it for free. I hope so anyway. Until I get a new job there is zero money. Henry tries to call me every day. I have not answered. I will not answer. He ruined me and my dreams so he could be a horrible human being. I am never going to look back. He can rot in prison for all I care. Good riddance.