Leaving does not come naturally to me.

Abandonment has long been a lonely friend of mine. Or maybe more of an enemy that I kept close.

My heart is sore in every way.

This feeling might kill me. I know that it will kill you too, and you will think that I’m immune, but love is not something that comes with a flu shot.

Love is not something that dies at the door you walk through when you leave it behind.

Love, in fact, is something that lives on long after you’ve walked away.

Most of the time, love is not even the reason you’ve walked away, but rather the reason you’ve held on for so long.

And that, my dear, is why this pains me.

Leaving is a dreaded activity that comes with no training. And so, most of the time, it is easier to leave with lots of noise, and with one million reasons why we are doing the right thing banging on in the background.

Much more difficult is it for me to look into the eyes of someone that I still love and say, “I no longer choose this. I no longer choose us.”

Maybe I should’ve left this job up to you.

Maybe I should’ve done more to create chaos in our connection.

Maybe I should’ve made you hate me.

Maybe I should’ve handed you the shovel and said, “go ahead, my love, dig a grave and bury all that we are beneath the soil.”

Why should I be the one? I wasn’t raised to handle this moment with grace. My home was loud and emotional intelligence did not live there.

Still, I must go.

Might I not know what this next phase of my life will be or what it will look like, I must go anyway.

I cannot look back.

The future we had planned will die in the past, never to be more than just an idea.

But still, one thing is true… this current yet overdue and unevolved version of me has loved you from the start.

The future that I am now stepping into has been shaped because of you.

I will not forget this.