“Listen. You might think this to be a little weird considering we aren’t that close.” My hand sneaked its way to my curls. “But I figured that I had nothing to lose, with me going to college soon and everything.”

My voice was shaking. My fingers tangled themselves in my hair, twisting and pulling. Forcing myself to look up, I met his eyes. The expectant look on his face made my heart drop and all thoughts of confessing morph into plans to escape the situation I had put myself in.

“I mean, it isn’t that weird, we are friends aren’t we? After all, we’ve known each other since forever.” His voice only succeeded in amping up my nerves.

_That doesn’t mean I know you._

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Every moment between us from the past five years flashed through my head, sobering my rushing thoughts. Taking a deep breath to calm my anxiety, I surged forward.

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“Yeah, but…Well it was probably obvious to you but, I’ve liked you. For quite a while at that.” When he opened his mouth I put my hand up, continuing. “I am not looking for an answer, I just wanted to tell you to get it off my chest before I leave.”

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I didn’t miss the small flash of disgust that flashed across his face. Almost instantly my nerves faded, leaving nothing behind them.

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_It seems the butterflies in my stomach ate all my feelings too._

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Hands now steady, I picked up my drink, taking a long sip before leaving back in my chair.

Even though my whole entire world was on pause, the cafe around us was bustling and rambunctious.

_I want to leave._

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A cough drew my eyes to the boy sitting across from me.

“I thought you heard already. From my brother or someone. But, I actually got a girlfriend.”

Instantly the air was sucked from my lungs as I stared at him in confusion.

Him? The boy who couldn’t even talk to girls, much less date them?? Knowing that I would kill myself if I didn’t, I took the knife and plunged it even deeper into my heart.

“Oh really?! That’s exciting, what does she look like?” The instant relief I saw on his face soured the milkshake in my stomach.

Scrolling through his phone a bit, he brought up a picture, handing his phone over to me.

**_Of. Freaking. Course.

_**She was stunning. And the complete opposite of myself.

Her eyes were a glorious hazel instead of my deep brown.

Her skin was pale and clear, nothing like mine, dark and marred by acne scars.

Her lips were pursed in a seductive manner, ask she eyed the camera in a way that would make anyone blush.

Within a second, I felt more hideous than I’d ever been before. My body was burning with embarrassment.

_You spent all that time liking him in the softest way, all for you to not be his type. _

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_How would you ever expect for him to like a black girl?_

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_Every guy you rejected for him must be dying laughing. _

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_It’s sad how pathetically devoted you were. How did you let it get this far?_

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_Why would you let a single boy have this much of a hold on you? And to think you claimed you would do anything for this boy. _

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_Can you? _

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_Step away so he can be happy with the love of his life?_

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Every insecurity I’ve ever had was running through my mind.

Every tiny little devil that had tried to take over my life, but was held back by hope.__

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And to think that guys wonder why girls have a hard time falling for men.

It’s simple really, their affections are fleeting, and no matter what they do, they are always never yours alone.

In those seconds, listening to my first love rant on and on about his new girl, I made a monumental decision.

I will never pursue a man first ever again.

If the Lord God has intended a man for me, let his devotion and love be unbreakable.

Let his eyes never wander and his affections never waver.