1.

Today I played the guitar. I was with Daniel in the music room. We should have left with everyone else by 3, but somehow we started talking and next thing, he’s playing the guitar and I’m singing Bibanke. And everything is just colors and flutters. It’s eyes. My eyes on him, his eyes on the guitar and on me. Then he asked if I wanted to learn and showed me the chords. Maybe I got some chords wrong just so he could show me and I could brush my fingers against him. Maybe. But I don’t know if he feels the same way. If he even noticed our hands brushing. If it means anything. We walk home from summer camp every afternoon and he’s never talked about having a crush on anyone. I need to know and it’s killing me.

2.

Titi said Daniel said he likes someone and when she asked if it was me because we hang out so much, he laughed. I don’t know what’s happening to me. When she told me this, I just nodded. I think I said something stupid like oh. And she asked what was wrong. I said nothing, I’m fine and walked away from her stand. I was excited about the fair. You know I was. We’d worked very hard during the camp to create the bags and the thought of selling them was so cool. The fair itself was so beautiful and I was happy. But suddenly the bags looked ugly and everyone walking around the stalls became too much. I felt like they were all looking at me. Looking at Titi and Daniel, in on the joke. I don’t know what’s happening to me because the feeling isn’t going. My heart keeps racing and I think I’m going to die. Everything is so shaky and it’s so hard to breathe. I’m in the toilet typing this and I can’t go back out. Omg I think I’m having a heart attack.

3.

I’m fine now. I had to call mom to come get me. She could barely hear anything I was saying so she made me take deep breaths in and out. In for 8. Hold for 4. Out for 4. I finally started smelling the toilets. Look, never have a panic attack in a toilet because the stench when you realize where you are?! <<<<<<

I must have inherited panic attacks from her. She stayed on the phone the entire time and told me the first time she had had a panic attack. She had just finished university and was doing her NYSC. She was trying to work on her CV and suddenly couldn’t breathe and her heart was pounding and she kept asking what is happening to me? What is happening to me? And she asked 2 friends but they didn’t know either so she was just stuck with it. As she told me this, she was driving towards me and I was wondering how I was going to leave the toilet because it stank, but the laughter outside would have killed me. So I was on the phone with her and I just started crying even more because I was stuck and she was still far away. But I also couldn’t cry too loud because I could tell there were people around. But that made me cry harder because I was holding up space from people trying to use the toilet.

I don’t know if it’s possible to ever have a worse time of my life. When I said this was the worst day of my life, Aunty T just laughed and said don’t worry, you’ll have more worst days and you’ll find out you didn’t die. By this time, I was in the back seat, mummy driving and Aunty T in the passenger seat. I was lucky it was the weekend and they were having lunch nearby. I was also lucky it was Aunty T because she’s the only one who would have found an escape route to ensure no one sees my face. Mom? Lmao, she’d have let me have that walk of shame. It was enough I’d disturbed her day. By this time, I’d finished crying and just had an entirely red and swollen face. The curse of being light skinned.

I told them what Titi said. Mom didn’t even know I had a crush on him. She just thought we were friends. Aunty T laughed and said she hasn’t been around but she had heard enough to know. They both said to have a conversation with him. I’d rather die. Aunty T told me how when she was a teenager some girl had told her the same thing and she never spoke to the guy again. Till today, never. But she’d always wondered if that girl hadn’t just been jealous and wanted to take her out of the picture. She and the guy spent most of their time together. And when she withdrew, he kept asking what happened but she always dodged it. Now, she’ll never know. Well, I’m not her. I know. Titi told me.

- I love how silent everywhere is in the middle of the night. It feels like it’s just me and no one else. -

Daniels notification just popped up. “Hey. Are you ok? You just disappeared”. He will ask till thy kingdom come.

4.

Yesterday was the last day of summer camp. Not sure why they called it camp since we went home everyday. Nigerian camp just has to be different.

Anyway YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT AUNTY T DID! I’d been avoiding Daniel all week. It was harder avoiding Aunty T laughing at me every time I came home to tell her all the ways I tried to disappear and not talk to him. What would I have said? I know you don’t like me. Or oh you laughed when they asked if you like me. Or I’d seen our first kiss already and it’s that same mouth you’re using to laugh at me.

It’s the last day and mom and aunty T decide they’re coming to pick me. I’m outside waiting and talking to people. I see the car pull up. Aunty T comes out, hugs me and tells me to get in. I have a bad feeling about this because she’s saying hi to others and just being her usual chatty self. I’m standing there and just praying Daniel doesn’t come out of the hall because I just know she’s going to say hi and spark trouble. Look, she did worse. He came out, saw her and came around to greet her. I hate that we’re all family friends because everybody knows everybody and no one can be a stranger. Then guess what she does? SHE OFFERS HIM A RIDE! I mean, why should he walk home when we’re going to the same estate? And as we get into the car, she changes from that chat to ‘besides, I’ve been in town and you haven’t spent time with me since I’ve been around. How can you just go home like that?’, and I just want the ground to swallow me.

We get home and I can’t go anywhere. Mom also doesn’t know how to act so she’s being very obvious with oh let’s give them space. I could have died. And when Daniel said “What are they giving us space for”, after they left, I wanted to faint but I just shrugged. Inside, I felt faint, like the kitchen was squeezing me and I couldn’t look at him so I walked to get a glass and get water. Anything to feel useful. He asks again, “What’s going on? You’ve been acting weird”. I just shook my head. He came to stand beside me. I was focusing on that water like mad. Where else could I look? He was also breathing all my air. And then he goes “Is it because Titi told me she likes me?”

Huhhhhh?????

“I mean I know she’s your best friend so it is awkward but I really meant it when I told her I like you instead”.

- I have to go now. Mom is calling me. I’ll continue this gist later-

5.

Lmao so where was I? Honestly can’t remember and don’t have energy to go back to my last entry.

I honestly can’t believe Titi. How can she call herself a friend and do something like that? Mom thinks I should confront her about it and get it out of my system. Teenage girls do things like this. Adult girls too. But people sometimes change and that won’t happen without confrontation. We could also have a stronger friendship. I’m more with Aunty T on this one. To put it kindly, fuck her. You know what I did? I posted a snap of Daniel and I holding hands at the cinema. I know she’s seen it. Let her perish. I dare her to enter my dms and say a single word. I know she’s also going to tell everyone she had him but didn’t want him so it’s fine I got her scrappy seconds. It’s what she does. And honestly? I don’t care.

What matters is Daniel said he liked me. And when my brain had unscrambled and I was sure he wasn’t lying to me and we knew Titi had been up to her tricks, I told him I liked him too. And in between the laughter and talking about all the times we looked each other or wanted to say it, we kissed. It was a peck on the lips. We had this silence where he was looking at me. And I was blushing and looking back. He leaned in. And he kissed me. And that’s all that matters!