“Hang on just a moment”, the midwife paused, every empty second confirming my fears. I knew I couldn’t do it, this pregnancy really was too good to be true. After all, what kind of creature would grow amongst such toxicity?

I tilted my head back, hearing the clinical crunch of the crisp white pillow, forcing a tear back to the clutches my eyes. I sighed. Just like that, the last ounce of hope had gone, released into the air on a carpet of hot breath. Trying to mask my grief in a painfully false laugh, my hand was suddenly ripped away from my side as I felt four cool fingers pull it towards the darkened screen.

“There’s two, there’s two!” She exclaimed with wide eyes before adding, “twins sweetie, look here.”

Her neatly manicured nail stabbed at a barely distinguishable shape, cloaked by the endless black surroundings. Next to it was another shape, slightly bigger than it’s neighbour, enjoying the simplicity of early life. They looked happy. As happy as a pair of foetuses being visualised on an ultrasound machine could, that is.

Within moments, I became aware of the icy gel smothered greedily over my stomach. I became aware of how the inescapable cold was spreading all around me, growing and doubling across my skin. I became aware of how I was gradually freezing, my body paralysed by this unwelcome sensation.

However, even more eerie than that, was what I felt deep within me. So deep that I couldn’t identify which body part hurt, but so sinister that it made my heart pound against its tight cage.

“Why, why is this one so small?” I heard my feeble voice drip from my lips without even thinking of the words.

“This is common, hun, he’ll catch up.” She replied. Despite this, her attempt at reassurance didn’t stand a chance against the agony inside my head. I could just make out the motion of her mouth, and a dreary dribble of noise explaining the possibility of other genders, but her calm tone was engulfed by the flames in my mind.

I could see it now; a shell of a boy turned cold from the life in the shadows. Hundreds of certificates all sharing the same surname, but never addressed to his first one. Lacking the need for a legacy of his own because he was just “his brother” after all. He won’t live, he will merely survive as a spare. A forgotten draft of the figure in the spotlight.

I had this baby to have a fresh start at life, but yet again I am just mirroring my own. Forcing my childhood onto an innocent child.

“Twins just have the most beautiful bond don’t you think?” The midwife cooed, her eyes too fixed on the grey sludge to see my own drowning in molten tears.

“Beautiful” I repeated, the word a lifelong lie.