It’s just you, me and the shadows,
The flickering of the night,
Destiny unfurled,
I watch your chest rise and fall,
Counting with the rhythm,
The curtains twitch,
Disturbed by an open window,
It’s just you, me and the shadows,
The furtive redemption,
Everything must end,
Life flickers in your eyes,
And disappears into darkness,
The only sound,
A grandfather clock,
The heart beat of the darkness,
The rhythm of the night.
I liked this—the feeling is that the secondary subject has died. I like that there are things left unsaid, and that your Focus is on the minute details of the moment, allowing the scene to say what is happening. Makes me think of so many writers who have approached the same topic, but yours is unique and original. Well done!
Such a pretty title, and great choice to repeat it throughout your piece! In terms of feedback, I think more scenery would really work well here. The clock is a wonderful image - if you threw in a few more I think it would help that clock seem less “alone” so to speak. Hopefully this makes sense!
“The curtains twitch” and “destiny unfurled” are so delicate yet powerful. Puts me in the mind of stained glass. This was great!
