A few years ago, I started getting into reading about animal spiritual meanings. Power animals, animal totems, and the different cultural associations. I look them up whenever I come across a peculiar encounter or when I feel bombarded by them. There's so much information and differing beliefs to sift through, sometimes it's hard to discern which messages are meant for me.

These last few weeks I've been seeing a lot of spiders- mostly the harmless ones. And yeah, my house hasn't been the cleanest but these spiders have been pretty bold. At first I just noticed them on the walls or the ground nearby so I was hesitant to look up their messages.

That's when they started popping up so close to my face. I nearly snapped my spine trying to get away. The one that really got me was the black widow I ran into in the bathroom at work.

Now I really was scared to learn what their message was. I decided I'd meditate on it after work. My boyfriend was picking me up after he was done plein air painting with his friends. He said it was over at 1pm and I estimated it would take him an hour to get to me. I was excited to have a short work day and spend a little extra time with my bae. Even though we lived together, we hadn't really seen much of each other in the last few weeks. Our 14 year anniversary was coming up and we still had to figure out how to celebrate.

1pm came and bae texted me, 'Hey a bunch of us are hungry so we're gonna go to a nearby cafe and eat and draw for a bit. I'll let you know when I leave.'

I told him 'no problem'. I figured he'd be getting to me an hour or so later than I originally expected.

3pm came. No text from bae. A little anxious, I reached out to him to see if he was on his way. 'No not yet. It took them a while to get our food out to us. I'll let you know when I leave.' I sighed. At least he's ok. And I guess I could find more work for myself.

5pm. No word from bae. I decided to hang out in the break room for a few minutes and try to call him. Three rings and then straight to voicemail. Usually it takes longer to get to voicemail. I figure he's probably driving over right now and can't pick up. It's not easy driving stick and talking on the phone at the same time. He probably didn't set up the hands free holder. The tension pulls on my stomach. Anxiety clogs my throat. 'It's fine,' I thought. 'He's an abled-bodied adult. He's safe. He just can't answer the phone right now.'

A few minutes go by and I decide to walk across the street and get some dank ass ramen. Let bae miss out on a special dinner. He can eat leftovers when we get home. I text him to let him know where I am.

It's nearly 6. Bae finally texted me back. 'Hey you shouldn't wait up for me. I'll see you at home tonight.'

'Wtf? Don't wait up? You're supposed to pick me up. You have my car asshole.' I didn't respond back. My stomach is boiling up into my throat. My breathing is rough. Everything feels uneasy.

I wasn't about to take an Uber given the price hike so I headed to the bus stop. I stood there pissed off and wondering what the hell was going on that he told me to not wait up. I looked up the area he was plein air painting and found the only cafe nearby. It's business hours were 8am to 2pm. I swallowed a hard lump that slowly sank and scraped my heart on the way down. What is this dude up to?

I lugged myself onto the bus and sat in the back. I wrapped my bag around to my front and turned to look out the window. A black widow dangled from its thin web and spun around to face me. I felt a piercing sensation strike my chest.

I walked the last three blocks home on rubber legs and managed to make it upstairs before I started crying. After a few minutes I finally mustered the courage to look up the spider's message.

My intestines were churning when I skimmed through and found what I dreaded. 'Deceit, web of lies, someone is hiding something from you. Big changes coming.' Just before I closed my browser tab I caught sight of a line that read, 'this separation is necessary but if you don't let go there may come a point where there will be no chance of repair.'

I cried myself to sleep. The sound of the garage door opening below me woke me up. I glanced out the window. Dark as shit. I sneaked a peek at my phone. 10:30pm.

The steps groaned louder with each step. The bedroom door creaked open. It was bae.

I didn't roll over. I wanted to see if he was going to come over to me.

He dropped his bag and slipped his shoes off. Next he took out his wallet and my car keys and put them on the desk. A pungent fragrance wafted its way over to me. It smelled like he dove into the essential oils aisle at Whole Foods. He's never been this fragrant. He can't even stand scented laundry soap and dryer sheets.

He seemed to pause. My body tensed up. Slowly, the floor groaned and I felt his body weight kneel on the bed. I turned over and was smothered by this unwelcome smell.

"Hey," he said meekly. I was more curt. "Hey."

"Everything ok," he asked softly.

All the anger and sadness welled up and dribbled out of me. I hated this. I wanted to be mad and yell but instead I fell apart crying.

"You were supposed to pick me up." He sighed heavily.

"Didn't I tell you where I was? Didn't I do the right thing and tell you I was at the cafe?"

"So you've been there this whole time?"

"Yeah." My stomach dropped. He was lying.

"Are you lying to me?" He sighs more out of frustration. 'Are you fucking kidding me,' I think. 'You're gonna sit here and get mad at me?'

"I told you where I was. I did the right thing."

"Then why do you smell like you were muff diving the essential oils at Whole Foods?"

"What?"

"I know what cafe you were at. And I know damn well they closed at 2." He sits frozen.

"So where'd you go? Apparently you weren't alone either." We sat staring at each other. His face caved and contorted. He told me the truth. It was over.

I really thought we were in it for the long haul. But we were thirteen years deep before we figured out what hadn't been working in our relationship. Instead of speaking up, bae went and told his problems to another woman. She was into him and he pursued her.

The next few days I went on aimless drives. One night I found myself behind a Nightmare Before Christmas themed car. It had a spider pattern on its license plate frame and the custom plate read 'UGTLUKY'.

At the stoplight a white dove flew down and perched itself on the hood of my car. There was hope.