"Dude! No offense, but you came out uuuuuglyyyyy!"

"What?" I yelped. "Well, how do you figure?" I bent over slightly and pet my Shar Pei, Sherry. She licked my hand with gusto.

"I mean, look at your beady eyes!" said Kyle. "How do eyes even get that beady?"

"Genetics," I huffed. "You've gotta lean in close to see where the action's at."

"I'll say! And what happened to your face? Soooo much hair. Too much hair! It crawls up your forehead!"

"Nothing a quick wax couldn't fix."

Kyle let out a long whistle. "More like a really, really, REALLY-"

"What about my nose, huh? It looks like it's managed to stay intact."

"What it managed to do was get all bumpy and wet," said Kyle. "Like, why?"

"Because only ladies sweat through their noses."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Then thank God I'm no-"

"I need you to find one good thing about me Kyle," I said, neck vein bulging. "Dig deep. Dig reeeaaal deep."

"Dig?" Kyle's laugh struck my skin like a launched rubber band. "More like mine."

"THEN MINE."

"Gosh. Fiiiiine." Kyle stroked his ratty goatee. He tilted his head from side to side and ruminated. Finally, he said, "Uh, your collar's kinda cool. I like the spikes."

"Collar?" I whipped around, tightening my grip on the leash. "Kyle! You're looking at Sherry! Eyes up here, ya doofus!"

"Oh!" Kyle adjusted his gaze. "My bad. Seems I might need to update my glasses."

"Ya think?!"

Kyle squinted. "If I'm being honest right now, you know, friend to friend... You ain't lookin' much better."