A mother loves the face she’s meant to love I’ve heard

The cracks and furrows and dips and dimples

I wondered if you loved me more when I was small and my skin was 

Soft and smooth and unblemished with no pain or fear

My rolls were dumpling folds and my eyes crinkled in a way you thought was adorable not ugly.

A monster loves only the ones she’s hurt I fear 

How I wished for your love when I was growing and my knees were not knobbly but strong 

And my shoulders broad like the sloping planes of a savannah

Nobody ever called me ugly but nobody called me pretty either

I pinched and prodded at my flab when i was eight and ran for miles in the park

My heart beating out of its chest as you praised me for being fit. 

I wonder if you’ve forgotten that I am strong.

That I used to play for the track team and made varsity for shot put because I can throw 

With my big strong legs and my biceps that swell. 

But the scales tick higher and my stomach still flabs out in pieces when i wear a dress

Do you look at me with disgust, or recognition?

You’ll never apologize for anything you do because it’s never your fault 

But I wish you’d apologize for 

Whenever I hugged a friend and sucked my stomach in because otherwise 

They’d think I was disgusting. 

I have always been perfectly smart for you and you tell everyone else how smart I am

That I’m highly gifted I can read four times faster than the average person I’m smart I’m smart

But when I look at the other girl I can only think that 

maybe I’d sacrifice some of that for a stomach that looked good in dresses. 

A mother is never supposed to hate their child

Then why do you hate me? 

I’m younger than you, don’t you know

Barely sixteen but sometimes it feels like I’m ten again with those big knees and eyes 

That never crinkled like you liked them to.

I know it’s never your fault, mama, but I hope you’ll at least cry

If you found my body in the shower with my wrists cut bleeding

Cry for the baby you once had and cry for the girl you lost.

Or maybe you’d like me more that way dead 

I wouldn’t bother you anymore and my body would seep into the earth

And nature would take me fat skinny or pretty.