My leg bounced up and down anxiously as I tensed up with bated breath in the waiting room. What would happen? I had no way of knowing how much time had passed as I was left to my own thoughts because of the batteries in the wall clock dying somewhere around 5am. What was I even doing out here? I knew what had to be done. Steeling my nerves I leapt from my seat and edged my way down the hall, gripping the wall for support as my feet snagged and pulled on the carpet. With one final push onwards I reached the swinging double doors at the end of the tube like corridor and pushed them open wide.

End of story, except not really. A pungent stench assaulted my nose in relentless waves but that was to be expected of where I was. The high pitched squeaks of wheels and deafening drips of liquid almost drowned out the desperate, airy gasps that escaped the people around me while their arms outstretched in hopes for someone to grab onto them and pull them back before it was too late. I had no business with them, but their families did, so I continued my trembling shuffle through the vast room towards the very end. More specifically: towards one person tucked away into the folds of the room’s corner. A youthful woman who looked worse for wear as though the chemotherapy treatments had sucked all the life from her fragile face.

‘I can’t do this, oh God I can’t face her I-‘ my thoughts jolted to a stop as I reached the foot of her bed and my knee numbly locked up as I whispered a small “hey...” before clearing my throat, smiling at her and repeating my greeting with more energy than I previously had. Inside I was panicking and afraid. My heart was racing, my mind blank and blood rushed in my ears until her thin hand reached for my own and her nimble fingers brushed against my knuckles tenderly.

No. I could do this. I had to do this. She deserves it. She deserves only the best after all she’s been through.

“How have you been mom? Anything new happening around here?” I questioned politely, wanting to ease her mind of any troubles coursing through her head to reduce her suffering as much as possible in what could be my final moments with her. She weakly parted her lips and as if to reply but sighed softly when she found she didn’t have the energy to do so. Her eyes looked so lifeless yet determined to stay and protect me.

“It’s okay mom... I’m okay... and so are you... you can go if you need to...” I hugged her lovingly and nuzzled her forehead, taking in her warmth to try and defrost the icy fear shooting up my spine at the prospect of losing my mom to cancer. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to be brave, for her...