The thing about change is that, whenever you’re ready, it just… happens. All on it’s own. No one needs to shame you into doing it. You simply roll out of bed one day, and somehow, maybe because of a lucid dream, or that expired casserole you ate last night, you’re now… different.

Once you get to that place there’s no going back.

That’s what happened to me, anyways.

It’d been a long year of failures. A failed relationship, many a failed friendship, a job that offered little opportunity for growth, a beaten down apartment, and the main thing being I had no idea who I was.

“This is why I keep leaving you,” my then on-again-off-again boyfriend said, both trying to hurt me but also telling his version of the truth.

“You’re going nowhere, and fast.”

The entirety of my year was filled with feedback much like his.

Sometimes, life leaves a bad taste in your mouth, and you stop trying, and you get real comfortable being a do-nothing.

That’s where I was stuck for a while.

But today, I woke up feeling different, and I can’t tell you why.

With morning breath and my hair in two tangled braids, I pressed on my iPad and unlocked it to the Notes app. There’s something to be said about iPads and getting your life together.

My fingers, seemingly possessed, typed out a list of five goals, all of them very typical.

1. Get back in the gym

2. Stop blowing off my therapist

3. Write something everyday, even if it’s bad

4. Stay single all year

5. Put down the pills

I no longer cared who hated the version of me they’d known for the last year. I’d spent enough time hating myself, and dishing out apologies, and nothing came of it. Plus, all those people were gone now.

For once, I wanted to live only for myself. It’s the one thing I hadn’t tried yet.