I found the note sitting on the dresser, neatly folded next to a bouquet of roses.

“I think we both knew this was coming. I have spent 22 years chasing happiness as if I could catch them if I just ran fast enough. But I am finished chasing life and the world. I have no more fight less in these bones. Baby, my muscles are sore and I am gasping for breathe. I just don’t want to run anymore. And for that I am so sorry. I have always loved you and if I can love you from where I go I swear I always will.” I sink to my knees clutching the note to my now heavy chest. There is a catch in my throat, she always begged me never to leave her. But in the end? She was the one who left us, me.

I woke up next to his sleeping form peacefully. This would be the last time. I gently kiss his cheek and rise to my feet. I am looking in the mirror and I am not sure who I see anymore. This shadow that haunts me is drowning me and I am bleeding out all the will I have to survive. I cast a glance once more at him. He who was everything to me. He who had promised to never leave. I move towards the closet and select the Lacey black dress I had set aside for this occasion. I slip into it. I think I may be beautiful in this dress, in another life. One that isn’t mine. I’ve got my keys and I’m driving into the forest of swaying trees. It’s fall and it’s beautiful. Unlike anything I have ever seen and I wonder if it’s just because I know this is forever. I exit the car and stare up into the trees. I’m tying the knot and I am climbing. I am done. I am free. And I am flying through the air. And for once, it is painless.

She’s been gone for 15 years now. I’m 40 years old now and I don’t hike through the forest. I am painfully aware of all the things that could have been. I feel her like a whisper on my skin. It’s been 15 years of the agonizing what if’s.