**_ADON

_**It first started with the tub. Or, really, it started with my mother.

She was lonely. She wanted to get remarried. She didn’t like how dark I was. She didn’t like how people looked at her after knowing she lived in the ghetto.

Sometimes, I could hear her whispering to herself under her breath at night. “Why is my life like this,” she would hiss, “I’m light enough to pass.”

I knew what she meant even at my young age. I also knew she didn’t love me. And I didn’t love her, either.

I don’t know what that says about me.

---

She got remarried to a white man—a rich one at that.

She smiled all the time. I had never seen her smile before then, but there it was, smooth on her pale face as though it had always been there.

I could see the looks my step-father gave me.

She could too.

But she prevented anything from happening, until my half-sister was born.

---

I was sitting on the stairs that day, my half-sister approaching three and sitting beside me. I was making a braclet for her out of yarn, and, as always, she was awed by my talent.

“Teach me! Teach me, Addie!” She looked up at me with her big eyes. I almost smile at them.

Almost.

Before I could respond, mother and step-father walked up to us from the other room. Mother wouldn’t look me in the eye; Step-Father smiled and did what she could not. He picked up my half-sister, tossing her up in the air and listening to her giggle, then held her on his side with his arm.

“Elise, dear, you and Mommy are going to the park today! How does that sound.”

I didn’t hear her response. Mother, still looking at the ground, made me stand and walk up the stairs while she followed behind me. I thought we were going into my room so I could change for the outing, but instead she guided me to hers.

In front of her vanity.

I could see a tiny dress on the bed. It looked very soft, like a waterfall, and it was a deep blue color—blue went really well with my skin.

Mother pointed at the vanity. “Sit.”

I did, of course, glancing curiously at my mother as she begin to apply makeup to my face. I stayed silent, knowing better to question her by then, and held myself still even as the powder make my nose twitch. After she finished, she made me stand up and tossed the dress in my direction.

“Put that on.”

I did, and it felt quite nice against my bare skin. Though, I was very confused. Did Mother mean for me to wear this to the park?

“Mother—“

“Shut up, boy!” She reached to me, and I flinched, waiting for the slap. But she just took my arm and led me to the bathroom that connected to her room.

She picked me up, placed me in the tub, and patted my head. Strangely, tears were in her eyes and her hands shook.

“Oh God, forgive me, forgive me.” She looked to the ceiling for a moment, then steeled herself. She stared at me, straight in the eyes. “Adon. Do not scream. Do not cry. Do not struggle. Do you hear me, boy?”

I nodded, finding my own self shaking, afraid of her fear.

“Let him go what he wants with you, and everything will be fine. Okay?”

I nodded again, slower this time. I wanted her to stay with me. Just for a little while. But she stood.

She left.

I waited for her to come back, to take me with her to the park with my half-sister. But I head the front door close with a shut, and the bathroom door open with a creak.

“Step-father?”

---

The fabric, the velvet fabric of a dress still scares me today. Any velvet, really.

Baggy clothes really are better.

People have a harder time touching what is yours.