‘Hello Mrs Ogilvie I’m phoning you from The Neighbourhood Community Fund and you will be pleased to know you have won a prize’ .

I always find targeting older people is a winner for me.

‘What did you say dear?’

Clears throat and ups the volume. ‘Mrs Ogilvie it is Des from The Neighbourhood Community Fund and you are one of our prize winners’.

‘That’s nice’

She isn’t sticking to the normal script of my suckers but what the hell - a response is a response. Usually they ask how much.

‘Yes so we need to run through a few security questions and then I can sort your bank details and make the payment’

‘Sorry dear I really can’t hear you’

‘I SAID YOU’VE WON A PRIZE’

‘Well I never’

‘I just need to sort some bank details and you can start thinking what to spend it on’

‘Sorry what did you say? Look young man can you ring me on my landline I can hear much better on that’ and she reels off a number.

This is the first bite I’ve had all day, usually I like to scam a couple of marks before lunch but some days are better than others.

‘That’s better I can hear you now’

‘That’s good so Mrs Ogilvie you have won a prize and all we need to do is sort out some bank details for you’

‘I will just have to find my bank details. Will you need my PIN number?’

I’m practically licking my lips - PIN!? No one has offered that before. I think Mrs Ogilvie is going to be a superstar.

‘Just a minute dear I think they are upstairs’

The line crackles away as I can hear her muttering to herself

It is all silent then after about five minutes she comes back ‘It doesn’t seem to be in the usual place, let me look in my handbag’

Again there is silence and scuffling around noises.

Until suddenly I am almost deafened by raucous laughter ‘MUM have you got that poor devil to phone you on the premium rate line?’

‘Yes dear £10 a minute and he’s been on for at least 15 minutes now’

I hang up quick.