WRITING OBSTACLE

Write a story that has two parts: one using past tense and the other using present tense.

Which tense you begin in may dictate when the reader connects the dots between the two time frames.

Him

Poetry

Romance

He was my yesterday, my today, my tomorrow

He was my absolutely everything

When he laughed, so did I

When he was sad, I would cry

He could make even the coldest soul melt

Just as he did to mine.

***

He still is my yesterday, my today, and my tomorrow

Because I just can’t stop thinking about him

Even though he’s not here anymore

He still sends shivers through my core

At the mere thought of his sturdy hold and pure love

I can’t stop thinking about him, far above

But I won’t even try to get him out of my head,

The best thing that ever happened to me?

And the saddest at the same time.

Comments 8

Fragglet

3 years ago

Hi 👋🏼 —Felt a little something🤔

I can see you didn’t ask for feedback but If I may, suggestion: “He was my absolutely everything” might need quotes (“he was my ‘absolutely everything’”) or perhaps use ‘absolute’.

Personal taste: “my head,” stopped me. It’s not where my head went to when I read it! Because of the app formatting perhaps?

Nevertheless I naturally continued the sentence like so: “get him out of my ‘mind’.” 😂 Maybe (for me) ‘head’ feels harsher than the alliterative ‘my mind’ and the ‘mm’ feels dreamy.

Your final use of “head” seems to work better for me”. Perhaps because of the preceding line: “I can’t stop thinking about him, far above”

For me, there’s a link in there somewhere between ‘above, height and head’🙂

Bereavement: The ‘brokenness’ comes across strongly in the first two lines of the first stanza.

The remaining stanzas mostly feel reflective and appreciative.

I can see the balance that “He was” and “He still” brings to the structure.

Just a thought: If you omitted “still” it may offer consistency with ‘that broken bereft’ state.

“He is my yesterday, my today, and my tomorrow”

I can deduce from everything else that the writer “still…” so context won’t suffer.

You use “still” effectively, in the line that follows.

“sturdy” : word choice 🙌🏼

You hit a home run with this one. Touching base with those emotions sends “shivers through my core”! 🙌🏼👏🏼⭐️

3 years ago

I love this! I can definitely feel the speaker's emotions in this—their love for him, their grief at losing him, everything. Amazing piece!

🌻 𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝𝙱𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐𝙼𝚎 🌻

3 years ago

🌻👏👏👏👏🌻

jaycie

hi! i’m jaycie! i’m a theater kid, i sing, i play piano, and i read (i also dabble in writing if you didn’t already guess 🙃). i’ll try to post more often but high school is consuming all of my time.

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