Ash's motivation for not wanting to remember his past is complex and multi-layered, even though he isn't consciously aware of all these reasons at the beginning of the story:

On a surface level, Ash has constructed a functional, comfortable life as a bartender. The neural blocks implanted by The Elites program have created a psychological barrier where his mind actively resists confronting inconsistencies in his backstory. He's developed coping mechanisms to explain away his nightmares and memory gaps as results of a fabricated "teenage accident." This false narrative provides him safety and stability.

More deeply, there's an instinctive self-preservation at work. Part of him senses that remembering would mean confronting something traumatic. The mind naturally shields itself from trauma, and Ash's subconscious is working overtime to maintain these barriers. His neural implant reinforces this tendency, creating physical discomfort (headaches, disorientation) whenever memories begin to surface.

Most significantly, at an unconscious level, Ash carries the burden of his final mission. Though he can't remember the details, the emotional weight of whatever he did as an Elite operative has left a psychological imprint. He resisted orders, made a moral choice that resulted in his punishment, and this ethical conflict represents both his greatest strength and his deepest fear. Remembering would mean confronting not just what was done to him, but what he did to others during his time as a government operative.

As his memories gradually return, Ash experiences a profound identity crisis. Was he complicit in government atrocities? How many people did he hurt or kill on missions? If he was the leader, does he bear responsibility for the actions of all Elites? These questions become increasingly difficult to face as his self-conception shifts from ordinary bartender to former elite operative.

The ultimate irony is that Ash's resistance to remembering gradually transforms into a desperate need to know everything, to reclaim his complete identity, however painful, because only by understanding his past can he determine his future and find redemption.