“Excuse me. Can you pass the salt?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Here you g-ohhhhh fuck. Fuck me. Are you? I mean - oh fuck you are, aren’t you?”

“What do you - oh, sonuva - my cloaking device went out again didnt it? Of course it did. You know, I’d swear to God those things don’t work as well as they used to, but really I should swear to God’s accounting department. They’re the stingy bastards who wont buy new ones. I mean, honestly, why does money even exist in the afterlife.”

“Holy shit it is you. It’s Death. Wait. Does that mean - am i…dead?

“Don’t know. How’s that coffee?”

“Terrible.”

“You seem alive enough to me.”

“Am i gong to die?”

“I mean, yeah, eventually. You’re human, so you’ve got like 105 years tops. And thats a pretty big stack of bacon, plus you smell like you smoke, so you probably shouldnt set your sights too high.”

“That’s not-“

“And youre a few pounds overweight too. This is a wild guess, so dont hold me to it, but I’m gonna say 76.”

“76?”

“When you croak.”

“Croak?”

“Ribbit ribbit.”

“You know, you’re a lot more flippant that i would’ve expected you to be.”

“How did you expect me to be?”

“I dunno dude, you’re Death. Its a solemn job. Guess i thought you’d be…solemn.

“Do you know how long we live?”

“You’re…alive?”

“Not the same way you are, but for purposes of this discussion, yes. So, do you know? Millenia. I’m not even eligible for retirement until I’m 4,000 years old.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I’ve been working this post since Jesus was still just a baby in a barn. If i was solemn all the damn time I’d never make it.”

“I bet.”

“Honestly, I’m here on holiday. I came in last August to take this blue hair - Angelica, i think was her name - and saw a sign for Disney. As soon as i got back i put in for a full week off. Haven’t done that in centuries.”

“So you could go to Disney.”

“Oh don’t tell me you’re one of those.”

“One of who?”

“The Disney is woke crowd. I just wanna go eat an elephant ear and ride Dumbo. Can i do that without a sermon please?”

“Oh im not…”

“Everything with you people has to be so black and white. My candidate will save our country. Yours is the devil. Like no, theyre both pretty bad. Trust me; I’d know.”

“No i just meant - well, who’s doing the job while you’re gone?”

“Oh, Kent.”

“Kent?”

“Yes. Is that a problem?”

“No its just Kent doesnt seem like a fitting name for the profession. You go from Death, to Kent.”

“Wait, do you think my name is Death?

“Yes?”

“It’s Brian.”

“Brian?”

“Yes.”

“Your name is Brian?”

“Ugh. I’m really going to complain about these cloaking devices.”